Healing the Hurt

One of the first things everyone comments on when they see my girls are their beautiful blue-grey eyes. They are just like mine. Gideon has amazing brown eyes just like his daddy but he has my nose and ears. It's so interesting to see these little people with my features running around. Especially when they smack into a door.

Because they also inherited my grace.

We have a lot of cuts, bruises, owies and scrapes here at the Dyer house. The kids are long-legged, fearless and not that aware of the world around them leading to a lot of falling and smashing into things. Not a day goes by where I'm not sitting in front of a crying child or holding a crying child saying the same thing;

"I know it hurts. Let me see it and I'll help!"

Sometimes it's easy to coax them to look at me so that I can get a better look at a goose egg. There are a lot of times where they gingerly but fiercely guard a new hurt because they're afraid.

Don't touch it! It will hurt!

Don't look at it! I wasn't supposed to be up there!

No! I'll fix it!

Sophie is the worst. It takes a long time to convince her that I'm not going to walk away from her while her forehead bleeds through her fingers. I need to look at it and I'll probably need to clean it. It might hurt but it will be better soon. I'll be there the whole time and I'll be as gentle as I can.

Yesterday, during the sermon, I realized again that God was speaking to me through my children. Our new teaching pastor was talking about becoming a new person when we accept the gift that God has given us. That we are to put aside bitterness and put on forgiveness.

Bitterness or hurt can start small and can fester. It can become infected and eventually we almost get used to that nagging pain. When we invite the Holy Spirit in, He begins to gently pull our hands away from that hurt. He needs to see it before He can heal it. Sometimes we hold on tighter and guard our hurt. We get embarrassed because we got hurt doing something we knew was wrong.

God doesn't care about any of that. He only sees that His child is bleeding. He's not going to walk away from a hurt child any more than we would walk away from one of ours. He's going to continue gently asking us to put our hands down and let Him work. It may hurt. It may even leave a scar.

But, He will be as careful and gentle as He can be. He will be there the whole time. He will love us even if we are scarred.

Pick Me Up

Rory has started crawling and pulling up. As I watch her explore her world, I think.

I love watching those chubby little legs.

DON'T CHEW ON THE CORD!

This is the last time I'll watch a baby learn to do this.

You're going to regret putting that hair ball in your mouth.

I really should vacuum more often.

God looks at me like this.

The last thought is what set me down to write in between lunging at my newly mobile daughter. There are so many times when I watch my children try out a new skill like walking or climbing. Sometimes they'll push it a little too far. Sometimes they'll do something I've specifically told them not to do.

Don't jump down the stairs!

Don't balance on the back of the couch!

Don't throw your brother/sister into the wall/floor!

Don't chew that!

Because they are young or simply don't understand, there are not a lot of instances where I can sit them down and explain the reasons why I have these rules. Our main reason that we repeat is "Rules keep us safe." Just respect that I am your mother, I know more than you and I have a reason to tell you not to run in a crowded parking lot.

Still, my children are realizing that they have free will. They can run faster than me at times. They might get that yummy looking cockroach into their mouth before I can launch myself at them. And, darn it!, they're just going to try! I must be overreacting. It can't possibly be that horrible to drink a muddy puddle on the ground!

There are times when I will quietly stand to the side and allow them to make what I know to be a not-so-smart decision. I'm not talking about touching the stove or riding their bike in traffic, but I'll let them try to carry 19 toys upstairs because they don't want to make 3 trips. When Sophie drops all of her babies and cries then I'm there to hold her while she cries. I'm there to gently ask if that was the best decision. I'm there to offer another solution.

God does the same with me. When I don't follow His plan, I find myself dropping everything sometimes. There are times I might make it up the stairs and I get triumphant. But I can't do it every time. God's plan will work every time. Sometimes I'll drop everything and in the midst of my tears I'll lash out at God. Why did He let this happen?!? He could have helped! He could have snapped his fingers and I wouldn't have to carry anything! No matter what I say, He always holds me while I cry. Sometimes I push him away and cry on my own. He waits and watches. He wants to comfort me and show me a better way. I'm that loved. I'm that wanted. We all are.

Whenever things go wrong, I'm trying to look through my tears at who is really making the decisions. Did I stray? Was I tripped? Where is God? He's always near and I can ask Him for help. Instead of curling up or lashing out, I will try to choose to take a deep breath and lean on my Father. He knows better.

Quiet Time

My quiet time with God is never at the same time. I don't sit down at the table with a journal, a cup of coffee and my Bible app ready to spend a quiet hour contemplating the scriptures. I have four kids under 5. My quiet time is usually one of the following:

• I'm on the potty and they haven't found me yet.
• In a hot bath trying to work the kink out of my back after picking up the playroom.
• When I wake up an hour before my alarm because the baby started fussing and I'm trying to assess just how urgent her needs are.
• In the car when I'm going back to Target because Milly threw a fit yesterday and I blanked out on half of my list while trying to keep her from exploding in the dairy aisle.
• During the kids' quiet time when everyone is in their rooms and the baby is finally asleep in her swing.

When I do have these times with God, I usually just talk to Him like a friend. It always feels like a conversation. I pray about those that need something. I pray about the names He gives me but I don't know why. I pray about my kids. I pray that I won't fling my kids off of the roof. I pray over my husband. I pray that my husband won't fling the kids off of the roof.

Sometimes everything is serious:

"Lord, I want to go back to college so badly. I want to get a degree in Biblical Studies. I feel like You would like for me to do this. But that's ridiculous, right? I can't start until all of the kids are in school full-time and I wouldn't be done until I'm in my 40's. What would You do with a 43-year old mother of four who hasn't worked in 20 years?"

Sometimes I get curious:

"So, lettuce has no real nutritive value. Iceberg lettuce, I mean. I know that there are some dark, leafy greens that I'm supposed to be eating all of the time. But, lettuce? Are we doing it wrong? Did You actually make it for some other purpose and we just started eating it because it's crunchy and good with ranch? Are You looking down on us and chuckling at your adorable little children like I do when Milly wears her Easter basket like a hat?"

What this really boils down to is that I am constantly talking to God. I feel close to Him and that helps me when I need direction. He wants this, too. You don't need to make an appointment to talk to Him. You don't need to only come to Him with giant life-changing questions. You're His child. He just wants to talk to you.

Hold Them Tight

Ben brought Milly home from Mother's Day Out this afternoon. It was raining so he carried her under the umbrella. She grinned when she saw me at the door and I smiled back. She threw off her backpack and began looking for a toy. Her daddy made her some chocolate milk and I gave her a cherry cookie from the batch we picked up at the Collin Street Bakery. I picked her up and we sat on the couch while she played with the iPad. Her little belly was full of milk and cookie, her thumb was in her mouth and her beloved taggie blanket was in her lap. She grinned and giggled as we read the Grover and Elmo book.

At 3:30, the bus honked outside to let us know that Sophie and Gideon were home. I stashed the iPad so they wouldn't fight over it. They ran in and tossed their backpacks to me. Sophie took off her shoes and socks like she does every day after school within 2 minutes of walking in the door. Gideon still had his hoodie on with the hood up. He likes the safe and cocooned feeling. I hugged them tight and passed out drinks. We watched Mickey Mouse Playhouse and laughed.

There are parents in Connecticut that will never hug their children again. They will never hear giggles and belly laughs. Christmas will forever have a new meaning for them.

Psalm 91:4 says "He will spread his wings over you and keep you secure..."

Matthew 23:37 says "...I have often wanted to gather your people, as a hen gathers her chicks under her wings. But you wouldn’t let me."

God wants so badly to keep us safe under His wings. However, He knows that we were given the free will to leave the safety of those wings. I believe that God wants us to exercise that free will. He wants us to venture from the nest to learn and grow. We take with us the lessons He has taught us and do our best to live by them. When we are hurt, tired or under attack then we are always welcomed back under His wings.

This is what I believe.
This is what I will remember.
This is what I will tell my children.
This is what I will imitate for my children while here on Earth.
This is where I will run.

Breakdown

During my usual non-pregnant time, I'm on a careful cocktail of antidepressants, anti-anxiety and other meds. I'm barely allowed to take half of my antidepressant while I'm playing host body. This makes it hard to cope with life in general.

I have a bad anxiety disorder that manifests itself with agoraphobia. This is hard to admit because it just seems...silly. Why am I afraid to go outside? I've never been the victim of a crime like mugging or carjacking. We don't have open war, soldiers in the street and bombs going off. I've never walked outside to a hail of spiders. The grocery store is pretty tame.

I don't like feeling this way. It feels like I wear an iron cape everywhere. My thoughts and responsibilities wrap around me and weigh me down. I feel worthless and unable to function. I become convinced that people would be better off without me, especially my family.

On Tuesday night, I broke. I cried for an hour after reluctantly agreeing to let Ben comfort me. My thoughts were screaming 'Burden! Don't be a burden to him!'. Then I relaxed and let my husband just be my husband. He's kind, loving and wants nothing more than to hold me. I am blessed to have a partner like that. After I talked and cried, I felt light. I felt loved. I felt safe.

I believe, without a doubt, that God loves me. I believe that He paired me with Ben so that I would have a tangible example of that love. I'm grateful for a husband that follows God's word and loves his wife the way God wants.

Ask Him

me: "I miss going to church. It's just so difficult to get out of the house with three kids; two of which are VERY particular about their schedules."

Ben: "I know. I miss it, too. We can always watch different sermons at home. Lake Pointe and Lifechurch.tv both stream every Sunday."

"I would like that. It's just...I feel guilty doing that every Sunday. I feel like my brain is telling me that Online Church is for that once-and-a-while time where we have to miss because someone is sick. Which is ridiculous."

"That's not at all what it's for. It's for people like us that can't get to a physical church building but still want to participate. Nowhere in the Bible does it say that we have to make an appearance somewhere each Sunday."

"I talk to God every day. Not just pray; TALK. I talk with my friends about our faith and struggles. I read my Bible. I seek God out daily. I try to teach the kids in their own special way about God and how much He loves them. I try my hardest to live the way God wants me to live. I never feel like I'm doing enough."

"What does God say about that?"

"Huh?"

"Have you asked God if you're doing enough?"

"Well...no. I usually just apologize for doing so little."

"It might be time to ask God and listen to what He says."

Blessings in Trials

Last Friday, the two oldest kids were diagnosed with strep.

On Monday, the baby started running a fever.

On Tuesday, Sophie fell while climbing the chair and hit her head on the doorknob. After 3 hours in the ER, she came home with her eyebrow glued back together.

On Wednesday, Gideon started coughing so hard he was choking. We went to the pediatrician who said that seasonal allergies were making his asthma worse. He's now taking a low dose of steroids and 2 inhalers 4 times a day.

The house is a wreck. I have a deep chest cough that's connected to seasonal allergies and my sinus infection leaving my body. I was up with Gideon at 4 AM last night while he and I coughed.

We're still blessed.

Right now, my children are in bed. They are all napping soundly. Modern appliances are cleaning my clothes and my dishes. I have bags of chicken marinating in the fridge and freezer ready to be turned into easy meals over the next few weeks. I have the Internet to connect me to friends I rarely get to see and some that I have never met. I have a bazillion TV channels, a DVR, Netflix, library books and my Kindle to entertain me.

Thank you, Lord, for blessing me beyond measure. Thank you for reminding me of these blessings even when things look dark.

Weakness

I failed to learn my verse for February. It seems appropriate that my March verse is 2 Corinthians 12:9.

Paul is writing a letter to the church in Corinth. In this chapter, he's talking about seeing other men do great things for the Lord. These men he will boast about he will never boast about himself. He speaks of a "thorn" in his life that he has thrice asked God to remove from his life. We never find about what Paul is suffering. Here is God's answer to Paul's pleas for release:

But he replied, “My gift of undeserved grace is all you need. My power is strongest when you are weak.” So if Christ keeps giving me his power, I will gladly brag about how weak I am.  (CEV)

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. (ESV)

God tells Paul to stop asking for the thorn to be taken from him. He tells Paul that what he sees as a weakness is going to be used by God to show that the power comes from God alone and not from Paul. Paul accepts this and decides to let people know that he is weak, human and flawed so that they can see that every good and powerful thing happens all from God.

I feel so flawed lately. More so than ever. Maybe it feels highlighted because I'm struggling with my thorn. Parenting three children, especially one with special needs and one who is showing signs of the same special needs, with an anxiety disorder makes me want to run screaming for my safe place. It makes me want to shut down and go back to my old and destructive habits.

I then remind myself that God gave these children to me and to Ben. He had a reason for giving these three specific children with their specific needs to us.

I am too weak to care for my children. I am too scared to know what to do when meltdowns happen. I'm get so anxious that I feel myself separate from my body and the world swells around me.

Whatever good things you see in my life, whatever milestones you see my children reach, whatever smiles and laughs come out of my mouth are all from God. His power is made perfect and very evident in my weakness.

 

Spring Reading Thing

Ah, books. I always say that I'll read anything. Then I take a look at my Goodreads 2012 Challenge. 

Wow. That's a lot of geeky books.

My girlfriend told me of a challenge of which she was taking part and it sounded like fun.

I was ready to just take the next few books from my Goodreads list and put them up here when I paused and thought.

Why not really challenge myself?

So I looked through my To Read list and found books that I believe will further my walk with the Lord. I want to know Him better. I want to learn more about how to walk with Him. That's the reason they're on this list.

So here is my list:

Crazy Love: Overwhelmed by a Relentless God
Francis Chan

Going All the Way: Planning for a Marriage That Goes the Distance
Craig Groeschel

Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World: Finding Intimacy with God in the Busyness of Life
Joanna Weaver

Sacred Influence: How God Uses Wives to Shape the Souls of Their Husbands
Gary L. Thomas

The challenge begins on March 20th and ends on June 20th. This is my challenge. In June we'll see how I did!

Finding My Peace

Before the throne of God above
I have a strong, a perfect plea
A great high Priest whose Name is Love
Who ever lives and pleads for me

God formed me. He knows me better than anyone else on this earth. He alone will meet all of my needs. He alone will love me perfectly. I will find peace, satisfaction and will never be lonely as long as I stay close to Him.




My name is graven on His hands
My name is written on His heart
I know that while in heaven He stands
No tongue can bid me thence depart
No tongue can bid me thence depart

Wherever I go and no matter what I do, God will love me unconditionally. He will never turn his back on me. If I feel distance from Him then it is because I have turned from Him.




When Satan tempts me to despair
And tells me of the guilt within
Upward I look and see Him there
Who made an end to all my sin

I will be bruised. I will be thrown. I will be hurt. Sometime it will be life. Some of these things will be my own fault. Whatever I have done and whatever I will do is already forgiven. Satan lies. I am still important. I am still His child. There is no reason to give up on God because He will never give up on me.

One with Himself I cannot die
My soul is purchased by His blood
My life is hid with Christ on high
With Christ my Savior and my God
With Christ my Savior and my God

My life, my soul, was paid for at an incredibly high cost. Something that I cannot even begin to fathom. It is eternal. It can never be changed. From the time I accepted that gift at 10 years old, my fate was sealed.

Behold Him there the risen Lamb
My perfect spotless righteousness
The great unchangeable I am
The King of glory and of grace

My Savior, my Father, My King is perfect. I am not and can never hope to be. Yet He still wants me. He yearns to be near me and for me to follow Him.

Because the sinless Savior died
My sinful soul is counted free
For God the Just is satisfied
To look on Him and pardon me
To look on Him and pardon me

I am ugly and covered in sin. I am human. Yet, when God looks at me, He sees nothing but the purity of the sacrifice made in my stead. It must be a choice. He can still see the real me. He created the real me. He chooses to see the sacrifice instead and pardon my sins. Then He can be free to hold me close.

How can I deny this? How can I look at humans to meet my needs when I have a perfect God who is not just able but willing and eager to love me more than I can expect?


Lyrics - Before The Throne of God by Sojourn

Love and Respect

"So each husband should love his wife as much as he loves himself, and each wife should respect her husband."
Ephesians 5:33 CEV 

My church, Lake Pointe, has been doing a new message series called Fixing Your Marriage. The first message was given by Steve Stroope and was centered around this verse. He called the message "The Foundation of Love and Respect".

That Sunday, I had gone to church with Sophie and left Ben at home with a sick Milly and an iffy Gideon. I sat alone in the service listening to Steve talk about how women and men need different things on which to feel "sturdy" in their marriage. He likened it to how we as humans can go for 3 days without food but only 3 days without water.


In marriage, a woman's water is love and a man's water is respect.


This hit me hard and made me listen very close. I knew that men and women were different. Heck, I learned that lesson back in elementary school when the boy I liked acted like a jerk to me and expected me to figure it out that it meant that he liked me back! (Boys are WEIRD.) I just thought that once we hit a certain age that everyone needed love. It's true that we all need love but men feel loved in a different way. They need to know that they are respected. They feel this way in their jobs, by their children and especially by their wives.


Disrespect from a wife can crush a man. Did you know that we hold that kind of power?


Unfortunately, I had no idea how to speak that language. I know my husband's Love Language but how does that translate into respecting him? Is it the same? Is it made of actions or is it done with words? If broken does it take years to repair or can I apologize and fix it with immediate action?


It made me nervous. This is the foundation we're talking about here. I live in a tiny rental house with horrible foundation problems that affect EVERY SINGLE THING in the house. The doors don't close correctly, the plumbing is wonky, the tile gets more crooked every day, the paint is cracked, and so on. When I think about this in regards to my marriage then I get very concerned.


So I went to God. We're still talking it over and rolling out some new programs. There seems to be good feedback. I'm grateful for that message.


How do you show respect to your husband? Does he know what he needs? Can you ask him? Are you showing it now?

All a Part of the Body

God ask His people to obey in all different ways.  Some people teach and some people preach.

(I promise this whole post won't rhyme.)

He calls me to pray.  A lot.  Sometimes I'll have specific prayers and sometimes I'll wander around the house just thinking about someone until they take up all of my brain space.  Then I stand still until I understand that God wants me to pray for them for a reason that only He knows.  I really like having specifics and watching to see the Lord work.

I'm working on a new way to remember my prayers.  I'm writing them on note cards and putting them up in places where I find myself standing during the day.  There will be some over the sink in the kitchen where I wash dishes and some on my bathroom mirror.  This should also help me to always be ready to talk to the Lord at any time.

Right now I'm praying for:

• 3 beautiful ladies to be blessed with children
• 4 people to be blessed with partners
• comfort on one going through a divorce
• comfort on a family who lost a loved one
• 2 ladies fighting diseases that seem insurmountable
• 4 ones who need the Lord in their hearts
• friends going through moving stresses

This is in addition to 3 people that God has put on my heart and I have no idea why.  So I just pray that God works however He needs to.

I take requests.  I love to talk to my God.

Change

My verse for January has been written on my heart.

My verse for February is Philippians 4:8

"Finally, my friends, keep your minds on whatever is true, pure, right, holy, friendly, and proper. Don’t ever stop thinking about what is truly worthwhile and worthy of praise. You know the teachings I gave you, and you know what you heard me say and saw me do. So follow my example. And God, who gives peace, will be with you."

It's a good verse to write on my heart this month because we have some serious changes happening here in the Dyer house.  On Monday, we took Sophie to see a developmental doctor.  We've had the appointment for months and I've been hoping and praying to hear "speech delay" and "moderate behavioral therapy" and "nothing time can't fix".


Instead we heard this;


"Pervasive Developmental Disorder-Not Otherwise Specified (PDD-NOS) is one of the autism spectrum disorders and is used to describe individuals who do not fully meet the criteria for autistic disorder or Asperger syndrome. PDD-NOS may be thought of as “subthreshold autism," or a diagnosis one can give a person who has “atypical symptomatology.” In other words, when someone has autistic characteristics but some of their symptoms are mild, or they have symptoms in one area (like social deficits), but none in another key area (like restricted, repetitive behaviors), they may be given the PDD-NOS label."
 - Autism Speaks

So now we're reading books and websites about how to communicate with our daughter.  We're making appointments with medical doctors to have her records updated so she can be seen by Special Education programs.  We're reading other parents' stories and realizing how much they sound like our baby.

There are a lot of tears.  There is fear that makes my hands shake.  There is a quiet panic that I can't let my extra-sensitive daughter see because now I know how much it can affect her.

So I go to my verse.

I praise God for Sophie's health.  She's an active little girl with no motor skill delays.
I praise God that Sophie is good and pure.  She loves her family with all of her heart and is keen to our joys and pains.

I praise God for what is true.

I am Sophie's mother.  I am the one who carried her in my body for 34 weeks.  I am the one who stayed up on the futon in the living room while Sophie slept in the baby car seat, wailing if I stopped rocking it in my sleep deprived haze.  I am the one who strapped that baby to my chest with a sling and marched all over the house.  I am the one who sang lullabies to her in the NICU.  I am the one who sat with a cranky toddler in a government office waiting for my turn to speak to someone about food stamps.  I am the one who wipes the tears off of her face when she is scared and the poop off of her butt when she's stinky.

I am the one God gently reminded that this was His baby given to me to care for only a short period of time on this Earth when I was still pregnant.  He trusts me with His child.

I will focus on these things and I will feel God's peace.

Prayers and Lessons

I haven't really posted about any resolutions for 2012.  There are not too many things I want to do this year.  OK, that's a lie, there's a ton of stuff I want to do.  This is one of the most important things.

I want to learn a new Bible verse every month.

Now when I say "learn" I don't just mean memorize the words.  I want to write those words on my heart.  I want to dissect the verse and truly get to the bottom of what God is saying to me through that verse.

January's verses are Romans 8:38-39

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life; neither angels nor demons; neither present nor future nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation shall separate us from the love of God through Jesus Christ our Lord."

Now I'll admit that I wrote that by heart and them immediately checked You Version.  I left out the part of "nor anything else in all creation".  I'm still getting there.

The part that hooked me today is that God never mentions the past.  He states that "neither present nor future" will separate us but the past is not in there.  One could argue that the past is lumped in there with anything in all creation...but God is specific in His words.

I guess the reason this caught my attention was because there are still parts of my past that I haven't settled.  There are people that I still have to wake up and daily ask God to put forgiveness in my heart for them.  There are choices that I made that still shame me.  There are people I pray over only because God puts them on my heart and I know that I'm supposed to do what He tells me to do.  Before I pray, I ask him to search my heart for Black Spots and cleanse me.  Then I ask Him to only let me pray with a clean heart.  Sometimes it takes a long time.  He brings up people that have hurt me.  He brings up someone that I used to call my best friend until they cut me out of their life.  He brings up people whose lifestyles I don't think are Godly.

Then He always reminds me that I'm not perfect.  I still make mistake after mistake.  However, just as He promises in Romans, because of the decision I made when I was 10 then I will never again be separated from the love of God.  He reminds me that these people need these prayers.  They need to know His love.  They need His conviction.

So I pray.  First for cleansing and then for whoever God brings to my heart.

Because I am convinced.

Not Giving Up

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
Romans 8:38-39

Do you hear that?!?

It doesn't matter that Sophie still couldn't understand my instructions about potty training and had a massive meltdown.

It doesn't matter that Gideon tried to destroy everything whenever I went into the bathroom with Sophie because he was jealous of all of the attention his sister was getting.

It doesn't matter that Milly freaked out whenever I not only left her sight but went out of her reach making nap time a really difficult thing.

God was still with me all day.  He still loves me.  He still believes in my ability to mother these children.  He's going to be there as I cry tonight.

I'm still OK.

My Blessings

In the morning when you rise
I bless the sun, I bless the skies
I bless your lips, I bless your eyes
My blessing goes with you

In the nighttime when you sleep
Oh I bless you while a watch I keep
As you lie in slumber deep
My blessing goes with you

Does every mother weep as she thinks of her children sleeping peacefully in their beds? They're safe and warm. They're cuddled with their favorite blankets and animals or babies. They're fed and clean. They're safe.

When your weary heart is tired
If the world would leave you uninspired
When nothing more of love's desired
My blessing goes with you

When the storms of life are strong
When you're wounded, when you don't belong
When you no longer hear my song
My blessing goes with you

Is it because we know that we'll have to let them go? That we can't always tuck them in and smooth the hair back from their foreheads? That we can't always know what they've eaten that night? Are they having good dreams or are they worried about something? I won't be able to pick them up when they cry out in the night.

This is my prayer for you
There for you, ever true
Each, every day for you
In everything you do

And when you come to me
And hold me close to you
I bless you
And you bless me, too.

The Blessing
Celtic Woman

They have blessed me by just existing. Therefore, I will bless them by praying daily for them. I will weep for them. I will cheer them on. I will forever be their Mama.

Promises

Tomorrow morning if you wake up
And the sun does not appear,
I will be here.

If in the dark we lose sight of love,
Hold my hand and have no fear,
‘Cause I will be here.

CHORUS
I will be here when you feel like being quiet;
When you need to speak your mind, I will listen.
And I will be here when the laughter turns to crying;
Through the winning, losing, and trying, we’ll be together,
‘Cause I will be here.

Tomorrow morning if you wake up
And the future is unclear,
I will be here.

As sure as seasons are made for change,
Our lifetimes are made for years,
So I will be here.

CHORUS
I will be here, so you can cry on my shoulder;
When the mirror tells us we’re older, I will hold you.
And I will be here to watch you grow in beauty,
And tell you all the things you are to me;
I will be here.

I will be true to the promise I have made,
To you and to the One who gave you to me.

As sure as seasons are made for change,
Our lifetimes are made for years,
So I, I will be here.
We'll be together and i will be here.

I Will Be Here
Steven Curtis Chapman

This is how God reminds me that He will never put me down.

Songs That Soothe

When you are an adult who must act like an adult but is still afraid of generally everything then you need to find ways to soothe your addled soul and mind.

My way? Music.

Hillsong's Greatness of Our God says it perfectly.

"Give me eyes to see
More of who You are
May what I behold,
still my anxious heart."

"Give me grace to see
Beyond this moment here.
To believe that there
Is nothing left to fear."

"No sky contains,
No doubt restrains,
All You are,
The greatness of our God.
I spend my life to know,
And I'm far from close
To all You are,
The greatness of our God."

Thank you, Lord, for working through these amazing people.

Coming Out

For some time now, something has been weighing on my heart. I have alluded to mental problems here on my blog. I've told some people a little bit of my history. I don't hide the fact that I'm on medication for depression and anxiety.

However, God is bringing different stories to my attention. He's showing me what happens when people don't speak up when something is wrong. He's showing me that there is still a stigma and a shame attached to depression, anxiety, OCD, agoraphobia and other mental illnesses. I feel like He's asking me to stand up and tell my story a little more clearly.

I became a Christian when I was 10. Like most first-born children, I am a people pleaser and that translated over to my relationship with God. I tried to be perfect for Him. I tried my hardest not to sin, to do my best at school and to always make life easy for my parents. I failed miserably but I kept trying. When I was 20, I married my first husband. Now that I was out of the house and only responsible to my husband and myself, I began to get lax. I started gaining weight and started smoking off and on. I stopped going to church. I quit reading the Bible and eventually stopped talking to God unless it was an emergency.

2 years after getting married, I got pregnant and then lost the baby after 4 days. I spiraled down into a deep, dark pit of depression. I became obsessed with making my body work. I couldn't get pregnant again so we stopped trying. In a haze, I just went back and forth to work. I ate dinner and watched TV. I tried to sleep but almost always had to take pills to get myself to sleep. Once I was asleep, I could sleep for days. I never wanted to shower. I never wanted to go out. I never wanted to interact with anyone. I just stopped. My world became as large as my bedroom. My husband just left me alone so that I could deal with it. He didn't want to bother me.

1 year to the day after the miscarriage, I found out that my husband was in love with another woman. I never heard my husband say that he loved me again. He became secretive. He never mentioned wanting a divorce but he refused to tell me what was really going on with this woman. To this day, I have no idea if it was an emotional affair or if he was sleeping with her. We both went to counseling, individual and marriage. He didn't like our marriage counselor because the doctor was making it out to be all his fault.

In March 2005, I snapped. I drove to my mother's house and began ranting and raving. She recognized that I was gone and took me to the ER. I was admitted into an outpatient program the next day. I've read the journal posts from those first days in the institution and I'm amazed at how...sick I sound. The second journal post is all about my husband who was in a bad mood when I came home from my therapy. It turns out that he was hurt that no one had been paying attention to him during this "hard time".

After 3 days of outpatient therapy, I knew that if I went home then I would be dead the next day. I gave a note to one of the doctors and they would not let me leave. I stayed inpatient for a week until my medicine leveled out and I felt safe going home. The first thing my husband asked when I called him to tell him about staying was whether or not I was going to lose my job and had I called the insurance company. Again, I look at those journal posts and I'm flabbergasted that I lived like this for so long.

While in therapy, I hit rock bottom. I had a husband who was in love with another woman but wasn't willing to let me know what he thought of me. He would rather keep me dangling as some bizarre roommate. I was unable to get pregnant. I had no friends. I hated my job. I was terrified to step outside most days. I was lying on the floor of a co-ed mental institution on a mattress next to a nurse because I was on "Suicide Watch". I wasn't allowed to have shoelaces or caffeine. I wanted my dogs and my Mama.

God found me. I remembered one verse. "Be still and know that I am God."

I began to pray. Actually, I didn't even pray, I just talked to God like an old friend. Slowly, life flooded back into my heart and I realized how cold it had been for years. Every day I talked to God. Every day I felt myself thaw a little more. Every day I cried and those tears cleared my eyes. I needed God more than anything else.

I still took my medicine and I still take it now. I thank God for my medicine and no matter how good I feel I will not stop taking it. That medicine is a gift from Him to allow me to function in this world. I am grateful to have it.

I still think about my first husband. I hope that he has turned to God, too. I hope that he has joy in his life. I pray for him daily. He was more than a good friend. We spent 10 years together, dating and married. I truly hope he has peace and love in his life.

I know I do.

Unconditionally

I really should be in bed.

I'm still sick. I'm on better meds now but I'm still recovering. All of the doctors tell you to push fluids and get as much rest as possible. That would be easy if I didn't have three young children.

Tomorrow I have to get up early, pack three different bags, take Ben to work, take Sophie to school, take Milly to my sister's and then try to get Gideon into the pediatrician.

Instead of going to sleep, I'm up thinking angry thoughts. Tired, weepy, frustrated, overwhelmed thoughts.

I will never be able to live up to everyone's expectations. I'm always going to disappoint someone. I have to be OK with that. I have to know that there is only One that will ever love me no matter what. I can never be too stupid, too needy, too wrong for God.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Please, God, let me believe this.