Not a Morning Person

Me: "Do you want yogurt?"

Sophie: *dying buffalo grunts and fling body on the floor*

Me: "Sophie, you just say 'No, thank you!' if you don't want something."

Sophie: "N'TANKOO!"

Me: "OK. How about toast?"

Sophie: *flop and whine*

Me: *warning* "Sophie..."

Sophie: "N'TANKOO!"

Me: "OK. Would you like toys or a book?"

Sophie: *with defiant flop* "N'TANKOO!"

Me: "Would you just like to be a little fart for a while?"

Sophie: "N'TANKOO!"

Me: "Too late."

Specifically

Sophie: "May I cheese?"

Me: "Cheese? Sure!"

*go to the kitchen*

Sophie: "Issa yeh-no cheese!"

Me: "OK."

Sophie: "Issa yeh-no stick cheese!"

Me: "Got it."

Sophie: "Issa yah-no stick cheese for Sophie!"

Me: "WORKING ON IT!"

*deliver yellow stick cheese*

Sophie: "May I drink?"

Me: "Oy."

Ask Him

me: "I miss going to church. It's just so difficult to get out of the house with three kids; two of which are VERY particular about their schedules."

Ben: "I know. I miss it, too. We can always watch different sermons at home. Lake Pointe and Lifechurch.tv both stream every Sunday."

"I would like that. It's just...I feel guilty doing that every Sunday. I feel like my brain is telling me that Online Church is for that once-and-a-while time where we have to miss because someone is sick. Which is ridiculous."

"That's not at all what it's for. It's for people like us that can't get to a physical church building but still want to participate. Nowhere in the Bible does it say that we have to make an appearance somewhere each Sunday."

"I talk to God every day. Not just pray; TALK. I talk with my friends about our faith and struggles. I read my Bible. I seek God out daily. I try to teach the kids in their own special way about God and how much He loves them. I try my hardest to live the way God wants me to live. I never feel like I'm doing enough."

"What does God say about that?"

"Huh?"

"Have you asked God if you're doing enough?"

"Well...no. I usually just apologize for doing so little."

"It might be time to ask God and listen to what He says."

Hot Diggety Dog

Sophie: "You wanna hot dog?"

Me: "You want a hot dog for dinner?"

Sophie: "A hog dog!"

Me: "OK, we'll get you a hot dog."

*beat*

Sophie: "Hot dog?!"

Me: "Yes, Sophie. We're getting you a hot dog."

*beat*

Sophie: "Hot dog?!"

Me: "Yes, Sophie. I just ordered your hot dog."

*beat*

Sophie: "But...hot dog?"

Me: "Sophie, the hot dog is in the front seat. We're going home and you can eat your hot dog."

*beat*

Sophie: "Hot dog?!?"

Me: "SOPHIE. Walk into the house and I will put the hot dog down in front of you and YOU CAN EAT THE HOT DOG."

*go inside. put hot dog on the table in front of child.*

Sophie: "...NOPE."

Not one bite was eaten by the girl.

If you will excuse me, I'm going to go replace my brain with a toothpick model of Mount Rushmore.

Laundry Fairy

Me: "Hon, could you put the delicates in the washer?"

Ben: "...delicates?"

Me: "Um...*pointing* that pile. Just put them in the washer on the delicate cycle."

Ben: "There's a delicate cycle?"

Me: "...you know, I'll just grab them."

Get Out Of Jail Free

I'm sitting on the couch with Gideon snuggled under my arm.  We soon realize that he's asleep and it's time to move him back to his crib for a nap.  Ben comes over to pick him up and Gideon rolls over and snuggles onto my chest.  My heart bursts into a million pieces and I hold my little man closer.


Me:  "Awww...you look so cute and you're so sweet!  Just for that you won't get in trouble the first time you wreck the car!"

Ben:  "THAT'S IT!  Give him to me!"

Ben hikes him up and mutters "Don't listen to your mother!" as he carries my baby away.

The Wrapping Drawer

Ben is trying to get cling wrap onto the leftover casserole and is failing. The cling wrap is wildly sticking to everything, including itself, and refuses to tear. I end up helping him hold it still while we wrestle it into place.

Ben: ARGH! I hate this stuff! You have to keep it perfectly straight or it gets everywhere!

Me: (talking for the cling wrap in a Cletus-moron voice) "YAY! I KAN STICK TO FINGS!"

Ben laughs.

Me: Why do we always go for the moron voice when describing things?

Ben: Well, it is the moron of the drawer.

Me: True. Parchment paper is the snooty cousin.

Ben: The Ziploc bags are the...

Both: ...nerds / techy types.

This is where I fling my arms around him and smooch him soundly for not just laughing at my joke, not just making a joke of his own but finishing the joke with the same bizarro thoughts as me.

This is why we fit. It is also why our children don't have a snowball's chance in Mordor of being normal.

Brain Buzz

My Back: "Ouch."

Me: "This sucks. I want to watch / surf in my bedroom but I have no computer and my iPhone screen is tiny."

Laptop: "Hai, I'm portable!"

My Brain: "I'm so frickin' tired."

My Kids in 30 Years: "Sorry for ruining your brain. And your thighs."

Drinks All Around

Me: Ooh! I thought of a new kahlua drink!

Ben: Oh?

Me: Don't call me a lush.

Ben: I didn't...out loud.

Me: It's from being raised so strictly southern baptist.

Ben: Well, I'm glad you're making up for it now.

Me: I barely have time to make up for it now. You keep getting me pregnant.

Ben: Do you hear how awful that sounds?

Me: Ugh.

Ben: Fine. I'm sorry I keep knocking you up and getting in the way of your make-up drinking.

Missions

Me: "Lord, there's a lot of talk at church about missions. I don't feel like I get to participate much."

God: "Oh? I've given you a specific mission. What do you mean?"

Me: "What do I mean? What do You mean? I haven't felt any tugs to go to China or Jordan or the wilds of Borneo. What am I doing to bring Your word to those that are lost? Don't you want to use me?"

God: "Honey, get up and go back to Sophie's room."

Me: "Um...OK."

*Cue me walking back to see a wild-haired Sophie chasing after her brother squealing at the top of their lungs both of them waving harmless looking toys they have learned to weaponize.*

God: "Here is your mission field."

Me: "I guess it is similar to the wilds of Borneo."

God: "Now pick up that Noah book and give it a shot."

Me: "Hey guys! Want to hear about Noah?"

Natives: *stop dead in their tracks and drop toys* "No-No? Too-ba-too? OHKAY!"

Then we read about Noah 5 times in a row.

Time Out

Tuesday sent me and the girls to the doctor's office for a check-up (Milly) and a few shots (Sophie). Everyone looks good. More on all that later. My mother came over to lend me her car and watch Gideon so I just had to wrangle two children. Before she came over, I got an email from my landlord.

Here's a little background on my landlord. She lives in another country. We deal mostly through email. This is a VERY old house and it hasn't been taken care of at ALL. We've had all sorts of things break over the last 2 years. The latest was the heater last week during Dallas' ice storm. The ducts looked like they had never been cleaned since installation. Usually the landlord just tells us to take any fees out of the rent and just send her the rest of the money. We're supposed to deposit the rent check into her bank. Well...Dallas ice storm...banks have been closed. She refuses to take our money directly. I've asked, begged, pleaded and negotiated to send her a check so she'll stop freaking out every time that money is not in her account by the 1st of the month. I have no control over what the bank does! I could go on but that gives you the gist.

Anyway, I got another email from her threatening eviction if she didn't get her rent check. I emailed her back and told her that we had to pay the heater guy and that the rent check was going to be deposited. I emailed Ben and we ranted a bit about how much trouble we've had with her and with the house. We are so ready to move. We are planning to move by June 1st. While driving I gleefully thought about how she would never be able to rent such a cruddy little house and how she would be so sorry to see us go. Then God started nudging me.

"So, Kelly, you're feeling pretty good about yourself?"

"God, she's just being so unreasonable! Half of the outlets don't even work in that house and we've never complained because we knew there was nothing she could do. We were just thankful to have a roof over our family's head. But to treat us like that every month? We never pay the rent bill late!"

"I know. I'm proud that you're paying your bills on time. That's a hard lesson to learn."

"It is! I mean...I know we still have a long way to go and we're still learning how to truly be good stewards of our money but we're tithing and paying our major bills on time. I mean, that EMAIL! Did you see the email?!"

"The email? Goodness, I had no idea! For you see, I have been on Mars for the last decade, in a cave, with my eyes shut and my fingers in my ears."

"Touche, God"

"Kelly Bear, watch the road but listen to Me. I love you so much. I always love you. I even love you when you fall. Sweetheart, you still fall a lot. You're falling right now."

"What do you mean? I'm in the right! I'm paying the bills! I'm doing it all right!"

"Kelly, how many times have I said to love those that don't love you back? Those that treat you badly? Even those that hurt you?"

"...a lot."

"Are you doing that? Are you loving your landlord the way I love your landlord? She is my child, too."

"No, sir."

(By this time I am in tears. I'm also in God's lap with His arms around me. This correction is always done gently which is good because it is done often.)

"Is it time to forgive your landlord?"

"I can't do that on my own. Can you help?"

"Of course."

And that's how I forgave my landlord driving to the doctor. And again this morning.

Sports

While watching the Super Bowl last night, Sophie and Gideon were running around like maniacs. Sophie blew past Gideon without touching him and Gideon just tumbled to the ground spectacularly.

Me: "Honey, I think we can cross pee-wee football off of the list of sports Gideon is going to play."

Ben: *wearily* "I think there are a lot of sports we can cross off of that list."