Change

My verse for January has been written on my heart.

My verse for February is Philippians 4:8

"Finally, my friends, keep your minds on whatever is true, pure, right, holy, friendly, and proper. Don’t ever stop thinking about what is truly worthwhile and worthy of praise. You know the teachings I gave you, and you know what you heard me say and saw me do. So follow my example. And God, who gives peace, will be with you."

It's a good verse to write on my heart this month because we have some serious changes happening here in the Dyer house.  On Monday, we took Sophie to see a developmental doctor.  We've had the appointment for months and I've been hoping and praying to hear "speech delay" and "moderate behavioral therapy" and "nothing time can't fix".


Instead we heard this;


"Pervasive Developmental Disorder-Not Otherwise Specified (PDD-NOS) is one of the autism spectrum disorders and is used to describe individuals who do not fully meet the criteria for autistic disorder or Asperger syndrome. PDD-NOS may be thought of as “subthreshold autism," or a diagnosis one can give a person who has “atypical symptomatology.” In other words, when someone has autistic characteristics but some of their symptoms are mild, or they have symptoms in one area (like social deficits), but none in another key area (like restricted, repetitive behaviors), they may be given the PDD-NOS label."
 - Autism Speaks

So now we're reading books and websites about how to communicate with our daughter.  We're making appointments with medical doctors to have her records updated so she can be seen by Special Education programs.  We're reading other parents' stories and realizing how much they sound like our baby.

There are a lot of tears.  There is fear that makes my hands shake.  There is a quiet panic that I can't let my extra-sensitive daughter see because now I know how much it can affect her.

So I go to my verse.

I praise God for Sophie's health.  She's an active little girl with no motor skill delays.
I praise God that Sophie is good and pure.  She loves her family with all of her heart and is keen to our joys and pains.

I praise God for what is true.

I am Sophie's mother.  I am the one who carried her in my body for 34 weeks.  I am the one who stayed up on the futon in the living room while Sophie slept in the baby car seat, wailing if I stopped rocking it in my sleep deprived haze.  I am the one who strapped that baby to my chest with a sling and marched all over the house.  I am the one who sang lullabies to her in the NICU.  I am the one who sat with a cranky toddler in a government office waiting for my turn to speak to someone about food stamps.  I am the one who wipes the tears off of her face when she is scared and the poop off of her butt when she's stinky.

I am the one God gently reminded that this was His baby given to me to care for only a short period of time on this Earth when I was still pregnant.  He trusts me with His child.

I will focus on these things and I will feel God's peace.