Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Magic Switch

I feel as though all this blog has become is complaints about my broken kids. It's like everyone else has been ordering their kids from Mercedes and I just got three Pintos assembled by people who's only contact with cars were from watching Bullitt dubbed in Mandarin.

Milly eats odd things. She chews on the corners of the walls. She digs out drywall and eats it. She chews sidewalk chalk like it's a stick of candy. She eats dirt. We thought it was a phase but it began escalating. She knows that she's not supposed to chew. She startles and runs when we catch her. She hides to chew longer. It seems almost like a compulsion. Sunday school teachers, Mother's Day Out teachers, babysitters and others have commented on it. No one has any advice. We asked our pediatrician for help. She suggested an iron deficiency that is forcing her to go in search of the minerals she needs. We had her tested and she is anemic. We start iron supplements tomorrow.

Milly still rarely talks. We have been approved for ECI but we've never been able to schedule anything because of the new baby, bedrest and moving. Now that we're settled, ECI is reviewing her file and she'll start once-a-week sessions.

She's learned autistic behaviors from her older siblings. She's never been around her peers. She's not autistic. We've had her evaluated and I don't see the same things I see in Sophie and Gideon. Those behaviors must still be unlearned. She's in a day camp two days a week around other two year olds.

We address every concern. We pounce to fix anything physical and begin coaching the not-easily-fixed. It's a battle. I feel like so many look at me as though its my fault. Like they need to know the name of the prenatal vitamins I took so they can avoid broken kids, too.

People, I read to my kids in the womb. I stared them in their tiny infant faces and talked to them. I avoided baby talk just in case it was detrimental. I didn't eat hot dogs while I was pregnant and I only had sushi once. I did everything right! And still I battle. I look at Rory with so much fear. What's wrong with this one? It's hard to enjoy your baby when you're examining every response to see if it's "normal".

Ultimately, God gave me Sophie, Gideon, Milly and Rory. He will give me what I need to raise them. I must remember that.

Monday, June 17, 2013

Quiet Time

My quiet time with God is never at the same time. I don't sit down at the table with a journal, a cup of coffee and my Bible app ready to spend a quiet hour contemplating the scriptures. I have four kids under 5. My quiet time is usually one of the following:

  • I'm on the potty and they haven't found me yet.
  • In a hot bath trying to work the kink out of my back after picking up the playroom.
  • When I wake up an hour before my alarm because the baby started fussing and I'm trying to assess just how urgent her needs are.
  • In the car when I'm going back to Target because Milly threw a fit yesterday and I blanked out on half of my list while trying to keep her from exploding in the dairy aisle.
  • During the kids' quiet time when everyone is in their rooms and the baby is finally asleep in her swing.
When I do have these times with God, I usually just talk to Him like a friend. It always feels like a conversation. I pray about those that need something. I pray about the names He gives me but I don't know why. I pray about my kids. I pray that I won't fling my kids off of the roof. I pray over my husband. I pray that my husband won't fling the kids off of the roof.

Sometimes everything is serious:

"Lord, I want to go back to college so badly. I want to get a degree in Biblical Studies. I feel like You would like for me to do this. But that's ridiculous, right? I can't start until all of the kids are in school full-time and I wouldn't be done until I'm in my 40's. What would You do with a 43-year old mother of four who hasn't worked in 20 years?"

Sometimes I get curious:

"So, lettuce has no real nutritive value. Iceberg lettuce, I mean. I know that there are some dark, leafy greens that I'm supposed to be eating all of the time. But, lettuce? Are we doing it wrong? Did You actually make it for some other purpose and we just started eating it because it's crunchy and good with ranch? Are You looking down on us and chuckling at your adorable little children like I do when Milly wears her Easter basket like a hat?"

What this really boils down to is that I am constantly talking to God. I feel close to Him and that helps me when I need direction. He wants this, too. You don't need to make an appointment to talk to Him. You don't need to only come to Him with giant life-changing questions. You're His child. He just wants to talk to you.