Specifically

Sophie: "May I cheese?"

Me: "Cheese? Sure!"

*go to the kitchen*

Sophie: "Issa yeh-no cheese!"

Me: "OK."

Sophie: "Issa yeh-no stick cheese!"

Me: "Got it."

Sophie: "Issa yah-no stick cheese for Sophie!"

Me: "WORKING ON IT!"

*deliver yellow stick cheese*

Sophie: "May I drink?"

Me: "Oy."

Hold Them Tight

Ben brought Milly home from Mother's Day Out this afternoon. It was raining so he carried her under the umbrella. She grinned when she saw me at the door and I smiled back. She threw off her backpack and began looking for a toy. Her daddy made her some chocolate milk and I gave her a cherry cookie from the batch we picked up at the Collin Street Bakery. I picked her up and we sat on the couch while she played with the iPad. Her little belly was full of milk and cookie, her thumb was in her mouth and her beloved taggie blanket was in her lap. She grinned and giggled as we read the Grover and Elmo book.

At 3:30, the bus honked outside to let us know that Sophie and Gideon were home. I stashed the iPad so they wouldn't fight over it. They ran in and tossed their backpacks to me. Sophie took off her shoes and socks like she does every day after school within 2 minutes of walking in the door. Gideon still had his hoodie on with the hood up. He likes the safe and cocooned feeling. I hugged them tight and passed out drinks. We watched Mickey Mouse Playhouse and laughed.

There are parents in Connecticut that will never hug their children again. They will never hear giggles and belly laughs. Christmas will forever have a new meaning for them.

Psalm 91:4 says "He will spread his wings over you and keep you secure..."

Matthew 23:37 says "...I have often wanted to gather your people, as a hen gathers her chicks under her wings. But you wouldn’t let me."

God wants so badly to keep us safe under His wings. However, He knows that we were given the free will to leave the safety of those wings. I believe that God wants us to exercise that free will. He wants us to venture from the nest to learn and grow. We take with us the lessons He has taught us and do our best to live by them. When we are hurt, tired or under attack then we are always welcomed back under His wings.

This is what I believe.
This is what I will remember.
This is what I will tell my children.
This is what I will imitate for my children while here on Earth.
This is where I will run.

Breakdown

During my usual non-pregnant time, I'm on a careful cocktail of antidepressants, anti-anxiety and other meds. I'm barely allowed to take half of my antidepressant while I'm playing host body. This makes it hard to cope with life in general.

I have a bad anxiety disorder that manifests itself with agoraphobia. This is hard to admit because it just seems...silly. Why am I afraid to go outside? I've never been the victim of a crime like mugging or carjacking. We don't have open war, soldiers in the street and bombs going off. I've never walked outside to a hail of spiders. The grocery store is pretty tame.

I don't like feeling this way. It feels like I wear an iron cape everywhere. My thoughts and responsibilities wrap around me and weigh me down. I feel worthless and unable to function. I become convinced that people would be better off without me, especially my family.

On Tuesday night, I broke. I cried for an hour after reluctantly agreeing to let Ben comfort me. My thoughts were screaming 'Burden! Don't be a burden to him!'. Then I relaxed and let my husband just be my husband. He's kind, loving and wants nothing more than to hold me. I am blessed to have a partner like that. After I talked and cried, I felt light. I felt loved. I felt safe.

I believe, without a doubt, that God loves me. I believe that He paired me with Ben so that I would have a tangible example of that love. I'm grateful for a husband that follows God's word and loves his wife the way God wants.

We Need More Glitter

Remember how insistent I was that we were having another boy? How I lorded it over Ben that I had known - not just guessed - with the others and I was right again? The boasting that I was their mother and I knew them before they were fully formed?

Apparently, I got myself mixed up with God.

Apparently, God likes gently toppling over those who get a little grandiose with their thoughts.

We poked, prodded and twirled that kid around to get a look at every angle. I finally believed her when she turned the baby upside down and spread eagle and said "Kelly, if it was there then it would be dangling."

Well...alright then. We're having another beautiful little girl! That makes 3 girls and one very spoiled Little Prince. I'm still trying to wrap my head around this. 3 girls?!? That's A LOT of drama. That's a lot of pink. MY SISTER IS ALREADY TALKING ABOUT MORE TUTUS.

Since I was so set on another boy, we're lacking in the baby girl name department. My only rule is that the name not start with "D" to avoid people calling her DeeDee. Ben has a much more extensive process.

• No Welsh ("Come back with more vowels.")
• No Shakespeare ("Ophelia died after going bat-crap crazy!")
• No obviously sci/fi, fantasy or comic book related ("We are not naming her 'River' or 'Willow' so stop asking.")
• Nothing too common ("We already have Sophie.")
• Meaning is something good ("Mara means 'bitter'. Try again!")
• Must sound like a regular girl ("'Agnes' sounds like an old lady and 'Eden' sounds like a stripper!")
• Nothing that sounds too country-specific ("WOW, that's Irish/Jewish/German.")

We have our work cut out for us.

Thanksgiving 2012

That actually went well.

We left on Saturday morning with the intent of stopping in El Paso for the night. We had to stop every 2 hours so that Sophie and I could go potty. I will say this, that kid stayed dry the whole drive and never once complained about not-so-nice accommodations. The kids were satisfied to play with the iPad, iPhone and other random toys. It was pretty quiet. Gideon and Milly slept a little but Sophie never closed her eyes once.

At the hotel in El Paso, we only had one crib for Milly. We put Gideon and Sophie in the sofa bed for the night. Gideon already has a tough time sleeping and this night was worse than most. I finally hopped down and hauled him into bed next to me. There was not a lot of sleeping that first night. Of course, he made up for it the next day in the car. Mommy...not so much.

Finally on Sunday we arrived at Nana's house! There was much rejoicing, hugging, running and digging in the backyard. The great-grandparents got there on Monday and there was even more hugging and spoiling.

My SIL followed the kids around all week with her camera. She is my new hero.

Bits and Pieces

I am just no good at this blogging everyday thing. Here's what's been going on lately.

• Gideon is addicted to cheese. He eats two or three cheese sticks a day. Last night, I introduced him to Rotel dip. It's now his new love language.
• I've been pulling clothes and doing laundry all week. I think I finally have all of the kids' clothes ready to pack. Onto the adults stuff tonight.
• I've been mainlining Law & Order lately. It ticks me off that Netflix only has the first 8 seasons of the original show. I've watched all of them and moved on to SVU.
• Milly has a new lovey. It's a blanket with tags all around the sides. She tiptoes around the house with the lovey clutched to her cheek and her thumb in her mouth. CUTEST. THING. EVER.
•  Sophie got her hair cut at the salon. We went as soon as they opened and I let her explore for 20 minutes before sitting down. She did a great job. Her new haircut suits her perfectly!

And now, the picture parade...

Anniversary

Yesterday was the 9th anniversary of the day I lost my first baby. It's also the first time I did not remember until the day after. I suppose I've healed more than I thought.

9 years ago, I was married to my first husband. We had tried for nearly 9 months to get pregnant with no results. Those two lines were the most amazing sight I'd ever seen. I called my family in tears and squealed with my girlfriends at work. It was a Friday. All weekend I floated on air.

On Tuesday morning, I woke up and spent the day in the ER. An ultrasound showed no baby.

I felt empty. I felt like a failure. I didn't want to speak, go to work, bathe or do anything other than sleep and watch TV. That lasted for years.

Now I have 3 children and another kicking my insides. While they are very healing, I know that it truly began after I turned back to prayer and started taking my therapy seriously. I'm grateful for every person that helped me through that dark time.

If this has happened to you, please know that it will get better. You are not alone.