Breakdown

During my usual non-pregnant time, I'm on a careful cocktail of antidepressants, anti-anxiety and other meds. I'm barely allowed to take half of my antidepressant while I'm playing host body. This makes it hard to cope with life in general.

I have a bad anxiety disorder that manifests itself with agoraphobia. This is hard to admit because it just seems...silly. Why am I afraid to go outside? I've never been the victim of a crime like mugging or carjacking. We don't have open war, soldiers in the street and bombs going off. I've never walked outside to a hail of spiders. The grocery store is pretty tame.

I don't like feeling this way. It feels like I wear an iron cape everywhere. My thoughts and responsibilities wrap around me and weigh me down. I feel worthless and unable to function. I become convinced that people would be better off without me, especially my family.

On Tuesday night, I broke. I cried for an hour after reluctantly agreeing to let Ben comfort me. My thoughts were screaming 'Burden! Don't be a burden to him!'. Then I relaxed and let my husband just be my husband. He's kind, loving and wants nothing more than to hold me. I am blessed to have a partner like that. After I talked and cried, I felt light. I felt loved. I felt safe.

I believe, without a doubt, that God loves me. I believe that He paired me with Ben so that I would have a tangible example of that love. I'm grateful for a husband that follows God's word and loves his wife the way God wants.

We Need More Glitter

Remember how insistent I was that we were having another boy? How I lorded it over Ben that I had known - not just guessed - with the others and I was right again? The boasting that I was their mother and I knew them before they were fully formed?

Apparently, I got myself mixed up with God.

Apparently, God likes gently toppling over those who get a little grandiose with their thoughts.

We poked, prodded and twirled that kid around to get a look at every angle. I finally believed her when she turned the baby upside down and spread eagle and said "Kelly, if it was there then it would be dangling."

Well...alright then. We're having another beautiful little girl! That makes 3 girls and one very spoiled Little Prince. I'm still trying to wrap my head around this. 3 girls?!? That's A LOT of drama. That's a lot of pink. MY SISTER IS ALREADY TALKING ABOUT MORE TUTUS.

Since I was so set on another boy, we're lacking in the baby girl name department. My only rule is that the name not start with "D" to avoid people calling her DeeDee. Ben has a much more extensive process.

• No Welsh ("Come back with more vowels.")
• No Shakespeare ("Ophelia died after going bat-crap crazy!")
• No obviously sci/fi, fantasy or comic book related ("We are not naming her 'River' or 'Willow' so stop asking.")
• Nothing too common ("We already have Sophie.")
• Meaning is something good ("Mara means 'bitter'. Try again!")
• Must sound like a regular girl ("'Agnes' sounds like an old lady and 'Eden' sounds like a stripper!")
• Nothing that sounds too country-specific ("WOW, that's Irish/Jewish/German.")

We have our work cut out for us.

Thanksgiving 2012

That actually went well.

We left on Saturday morning with the intent of stopping in El Paso for the night. We had to stop every 2 hours so that Sophie and I could go potty. I will say this, that kid stayed dry the whole drive and never once complained about not-so-nice accommodations. The kids were satisfied to play with the iPad, iPhone and other random toys. It was pretty quiet. Gideon and Milly slept a little but Sophie never closed her eyes once.

At the hotel in El Paso, we only had one crib for Milly. We put Gideon and Sophie in the sofa bed for the night. Gideon already has a tough time sleeping and this night was worse than most. I finally hopped down and hauled him into bed next to me. There was not a lot of sleeping that first night. Of course, he made up for it the next day in the car. Mommy...not so much.

Finally on Sunday we arrived at Nana's house! There was much rejoicing, hugging, running and digging in the backyard. The great-grandparents got there on Monday and there was even more hugging and spoiling.

My SIL followed the kids around all week with her camera. She is my new hero.

Bits and Pieces

I am just no good at this blogging everyday thing. Here's what's been going on lately.

• Gideon is addicted to cheese. He eats two or three cheese sticks a day. Last night, I introduced him to Rotel dip. It's now his new love language.
• I've been pulling clothes and doing laundry all week. I think I finally have all of the kids' clothes ready to pack. Onto the adults stuff tonight.
• I've been mainlining Law & Order lately. It ticks me off that Netflix only has the first 8 seasons of the original show. I've watched all of them and moved on to SVU.
• Milly has a new lovey. It's a blanket with tags all around the sides. She tiptoes around the house with the lovey clutched to her cheek and her thumb in her mouth. CUTEST. THING. EVER.
•  Sophie got her hair cut at the salon. We went as soon as they opened and I let her explore for 20 minutes before sitting down. She did a great job. Her new haircut suits her perfectly!

And now, the picture parade...

Anniversary

Yesterday was the 9th anniversary of the day I lost my first baby. It's also the first time I did not remember until the day after. I suppose I've healed more than I thought.

9 years ago, I was married to my first husband. We had tried for nearly 9 months to get pregnant with no results. Those two lines were the most amazing sight I'd ever seen. I called my family in tears and squealed with my girlfriends at work. It was a Friday. All weekend I floated on air.

On Tuesday morning, I woke up and spent the day in the ER. An ultrasound showed no baby.

I felt empty. I felt like a failure. I didn't want to speak, go to work, bathe or do anything other than sleep and watch TV. That lasted for years.

Now I have 3 children and another kicking my insides. While they are very healing, I know that it truly began after I turned back to prayer and started taking my therapy seriously. I'm grateful for every person that helped me through that dark time.

If this has happened to you, please know that it will get better. You are not alone.

Trip Readiness Check

On the 17th, we will load up three rowdy children into the minivan and begin the 2 day drive to Phoenix, AZ. We will spend a week with Ben's parents, grandparents, his sister and her husband.

That's a lot of family. I could not be more thrilled.

Of course, the drive has me wary. We have Sophie, who is not quite potty trained and doesn't enjoy sleeping in the car. Then there's Gideon, who likes sleeping in the car as long as he's comfortable. We're switching his booster seat back to his bigger and more sleep-inducing convertible car seat. Milly is a good car rider and sleeps pretty well.

Tonight we finished the laundry and pulled out the majority of the kids clothes to be packed. I keep double checking my list to make sure that we don't get out to El Paso the first night and realize that Gideon only has one pair of pants or Sophie doesn't have any socks. I'm a worrywart about packing and I almost always over pack. I'm trying to hit the right balance of enough-but-not-too-much. I'm trying to keep in mind that there will be a Target in Phoenix should we need anymore Minnie Mouse panties or shampoo. We even bought space bags to pack the clothes. They're supposed to mush out all of the air and pack almost flat. Anyone have any experience with these things?

We're also cleaning off and backing up my phone and the iPad tonight. I've got a good amount of apps to keep Sophie and Gideon busy in the car. Milly just likes to chew her new taggie blanket and giggle at whatever is outside her window. I'll throw in a couple of toys to give them some screen-free time in the car. They'll all take their blankets and pillows. I'll have my Kindle since Sophie will probably steal my phone.

Tomorrow begins the errand running of dry cleaners, alterations, car prep and snack food hoarding. Any suggestions are welcome. Prayers are reeeeeeally welcome.

Baby Update

I skipped the post for yesterday and I nearly skipped today. Last night, I was juggling a lot of body issues and a filthy fridge. Ben helped me clean out the fridge - praise GOD for him - and I finally relieved enough pain to fall asleep around 1 AM.

This pregnancy is kicking my tuckus. Let's run down the numbers.

HOW FAR ALONG ARE YOU?
18 weeks

HOW BIG IS THE BABY?
According to the emails, the baby is the length of a bell pepper and weighs about 7 ounces. The little monster is big enough to put an ache in my back if I walk too much and I can feel teensy kicks.

ANY ISSUES?
OH GOLLY GEE...I think the worst is this freakin' rash. Sometimes having a parasite invade your body makes your body revolt in interesting ways. In this case, it's acting like I'm allergic. I'm itchy, bumpy, red and that makes me seriously irritable. Thank the Lord for aloe with lidocane. I also get some pretty wicked heartburn which makes me wonder about the old wives tale that says "heartburn" equals "baby will have hair". It was true for Gideon and Milly. Sophie was my only bald baby.

ANY CRAVINGS?
I would love to bathe in pasta and orange Gatorade.

WHAT COMES NEXT?
I'll hit 20 weeks during Thanksgiving but we'll be in Arizona. I'll go on the 28th to see if the baby gets showy. I'm also going to start my progesterone shots next week. My excitement. LET ME SHOW IT TO YOU. Every week until the baby gets here, I'll get a shot in my hip. This should keep the baby cooking until full term.

I love my babies but my body hates pregnancy. It's going to be fun to see this little one.