We Need More Glitter

Remember how insistent I was that we were having another boy? How I lorded it over Ben that I had known - not just guessed - with the others and I was right again? The boasting that I was their mother and I knew them before they were fully formed?

Apparently, I got myself mixed up with God.

Apparently, God likes gently toppling over those who get a little grandiose with their thoughts.

We poked, prodded and twirled that kid around to get a look at every angle. I finally believed her when she turned the baby upside down and spread eagle and said "Kelly, if it was there then it would be dangling."

Well...alright then. We're having another beautiful little girl! That makes 3 girls and one very spoiled Little Prince. I'm still trying to wrap my head around this. 3 girls?!? That's A LOT of drama. That's a lot of pink. MY SISTER IS ALREADY TALKING ABOUT MORE TUTUS.

Since I was so set on another boy, we're lacking in the baby girl name department. My only rule is that the name not start with "D" to avoid people calling her DeeDee. Ben has a much more extensive process.

• No Welsh ("Come back with more vowels.")
• No Shakespeare ("Ophelia died after going bat-crap crazy!")
• No obviously sci/fi, fantasy or comic book related ("We are not naming her 'River' or 'Willow' so stop asking.")
• Nothing too common ("We already have Sophie.")
• Meaning is something good ("Mara means 'bitter'. Try again!")
• Must sound like a regular girl ("'Agnes' sounds like an old lady and 'Eden' sounds like a stripper!")
• Nothing that sounds too country-specific ("WOW, that's Irish/Jewish/German.")

We have our work cut out for us.

Thanksgiving 2012

That actually went well.

We left on Saturday morning with the intent of stopping in El Paso for the night. We had to stop every 2 hours so that Sophie and I could go potty. I will say this, that kid stayed dry the whole drive and never once complained about not-so-nice accommodations. The kids were satisfied to play with the iPad, iPhone and other random toys. It was pretty quiet. Gideon and Milly slept a little but Sophie never closed her eyes once.

At the hotel in El Paso, we only had one crib for Milly. We put Gideon and Sophie in the sofa bed for the night. Gideon already has a tough time sleeping and this night was worse than most. I finally hopped down and hauled him into bed next to me. There was not a lot of sleeping that first night. Of course, he made up for it the next day in the car. Mommy...not so much.

Finally on Sunday we arrived at Nana's house! There was much rejoicing, hugging, running and digging in the backyard. The great-grandparents got there on Monday and there was even more hugging and spoiling.

My SIL followed the kids around all week with her camera. She is my new hero.

Bits and Pieces

I am just no good at this blogging everyday thing. Here's what's been going on lately.

• Gideon is addicted to cheese. He eats two or three cheese sticks a day. Last night, I introduced him to Rotel dip. It's now his new love language.
• I've been pulling clothes and doing laundry all week. I think I finally have all of the kids' clothes ready to pack. Onto the adults stuff tonight.
• I've been mainlining Law & Order lately. It ticks me off that Netflix only has the first 8 seasons of the original show. I've watched all of them and moved on to SVU.
• Milly has a new lovey. It's a blanket with tags all around the sides. She tiptoes around the house with the lovey clutched to her cheek and her thumb in her mouth. CUTEST. THING. EVER.
•  Sophie got her hair cut at the salon. We went as soon as they opened and I let her explore for 20 minutes before sitting down. She did a great job. Her new haircut suits her perfectly!

And now, the picture parade...

Anniversary

Yesterday was the 9th anniversary of the day I lost my first baby. It's also the first time I did not remember until the day after. I suppose I've healed more than I thought.

9 years ago, I was married to my first husband. We had tried for nearly 9 months to get pregnant with no results. Those two lines were the most amazing sight I'd ever seen. I called my family in tears and squealed with my girlfriends at work. It was a Friday. All weekend I floated on air.

On Tuesday morning, I woke up and spent the day in the ER. An ultrasound showed no baby.

I felt empty. I felt like a failure. I didn't want to speak, go to work, bathe or do anything other than sleep and watch TV. That lasted for years.

Now I have 3 children and another kicking my insides. While they are very healing, I know that it truly began after I turned back to prayer and started taking my therapy seriously. I'm grateful for every person that helped me through that dark time.

If this has happened to you, please know that it will get better. You are not alone.

Trip Readiness Check

On the 17th, we will load up three rowdy children into the minivan and begin the 2 day drive to Phoenix, AZ. We will spend a week with Ben's parents, grandparents, his sister and her husband.

That's a lot of family. I could not be more thrilled.

Of course, the drive has me wary. We have Sophie, who is not quite potty trained and doesn't enjoy sleeping in the car. Then there's Gideon, who likes sleeping in the car as long as he's comfortable. We're switching his booster seat back to his bigger and more sleep-inducing convertible car seat. Milly is a good car rider and sleeps pretty well.

Tonight we finished the laundry and pulled out the majority of the kids clothes to be packed. I keep double checking my list to make sure that we don't get out to El Paso the first night and realize that Gideon only has one pair of pants or Sophie doesn't have any socks. I'm a worrywart about packing and I almost always over pack. I'm trying to hit the right balance of enough-but-not-too-much. I'm trying to keep in mind that there will be a Target in Phoenix should we need anymore Minnie Mouse panties or shampoo. We even bought space bags to pack the clothes. They're supposed to mush out all of the air and pack almost flat. Anyone have any experience with these things?

We're also cleaning off and backing up my phone and the iPad tonight. I've got a good amount of apps to keep Sophie and Gideon busy in the car. Milly just likes to chew her new taggie blanket and giggle at whatever is outside her window. I'll throw in a couple of toys to give them some screen-free time in the car. They'll all take their blankets and pillows. I'll have my Kindle since Sophie will probably steal my phone.

Tomorrow begins the errand running of dry cleaners, alterations, car prep and snack food hoarding. Any suggestions are welcome. Prayers are reeeeeeally welcome.

Baby Update

I skipped the post for yesterday and I nearly skipped today. Last night, I was juggling a lot of body issues and a filthy fridge. Ben helped me clean out the fridge - praise GOD for him - and I finally relieved enough pain to fall asleep around 1 AM.

This pregnancy is kicking my tuckus. Let's run down the numbers.

HOW FAR ALONG ARE YOU?
18 weeks

HOW BIG IS THE BABY?
According to the emails, the baby is the length of a bell pepper and weighs about 7 ounces. The little monster is big enough to put an ache in my back if I walk too much and I can feel teensy kicks.

ANY ISSUES?
OH GOLLY GEE...I think the worst is this freakin' rash. Sometimes having a parasite invade your body makes your body revolt in interesting ways. In this case, it's acting like I'm allergic. I'm itchy, bumpy, red and that makes me seriously irritable. Thank the Lord for aloe with lidocane. I also get some pretty wicked heartburn which makes me wonder about the old wives tale that says "heartburn" equals "baby will have hair". It was true for Gideon and Milly. Sophie was my only bald baby.

ANY CRAVINGS?
I would love to bathe in pasta and orange Gatorade.

WHAT COMES NEXT?
I'll hit 20 weeks during Thanksgiving but we'll be in Arizona. I'll go on the 28th to see if the baby gets showy. I'm also going to start my progesterone shots next week. My excitement. LET ME SHOW IT TO YOU. Every week until the baby gets here, I'll get a shot in my hip. This should keep the baby cooking until full term.

I love my babies but my body hates pregnancy. It's going to be fun to see this little one.

Kicky Little Thing

Best quote from the 17-week checkup today came from my doctor during an ultrasound.

"Well, I could tell you the sex but the baby's kicking so much I can't tell if it's a leg or a penis."

Resolutions for the Holidays

I recently got the chance to join Go Mighty. It's a site where people can make and share their Life List. I'm slowly writing my list and wondering how to achieve these goals. Today, Maggie Mason shared a story about 12 things she wants to do this holiday season. I took some inspiration and made my own list.

1. Take a family picture at Thanksgiving. My husband’s whole family will be together for the first time in nearly a decade. I’ve added three little ones to this family. This needs a good picture.
2. Make some amazing food with my MIL for Thanksgiving. I’ll either have to dial back the butter or convince her that one day of badness is worth it. It’s time for the good mashed potatoes.
3. Make Christmas cards with the kids. They love doing projects and they are learning so many new skills in school. It’s time to put them to work making things for family and friends.
4. Take Sophie shopping for gifts. I think she’s old enough now to understand the concept of giving gifts at Christmas. It will be fun to see what she chooses for her family.
5. Decorate a tree with my little family. There is no right way to do this. I just want to see the kids hanging ornaments while Christmas music plays.
6. Everyone gets pajamas and socks for Christmas Eve. Perfect for a night of Christmas movies and cookies.
7. Take the kids to look at Christmas lights. I think the grandparents would enjoy going.
8. Make stockings for all of my family’s women. This is such a fun present. It’s wonderful to tailor all of the little stuffers to your loved one.
9. Bring holiday food to hospital employees working on Christmas Eve/Day. They’re giving up such a special time so that they can serve others. I want them to feel special.
10. Buy Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners for families in need.
11. Fill a shoebox for Operation Christmas Child, buy gifts for Angel Trees and donate to Child’s Play. Giving makes me feel glad.
12. Make a New Years Dinner for me and Ben. I want to celebrate the start of a new year with my beloved.

Ask Him

me: "I miss going to church. It's just so difficult to get out of the house with three kids; two of which are VERY particular about their schedules."

Ben: "I know. I miss it, too. We can always watch different sermons at home. Lake Pointe and Lifechurch.tv both stream every Sunday."

"I would like that. It's just...I feel guilty doing that every Sunday. I feel like my brain is telling me that Online Church is for that once-and-a-while time where we have to miss because someone is sick. Which is ridiculous."

"That's not at all what it's for. It's for people like us that can't get to a physical church building but still want to participate. Nowhere in the Bible does it say that we have to make an appearance somewhere each Sunday."

"I talk to God every day. Not just pray; TALK. I talk with my friends about our faith and struggles. I read my Bible. I seek God out daily. I try to teach the kids in their own special way about God and how much He loves them. I try my hardest to live the way God wants me to live. I never feel like I'm doing enough."

"What does God say about that?"

"Huh?"

"Have you asked God if you're doing enough?"

"Well...no. I usually just apologize for doing so little."

"It might be time to ask God and listen to what He says."

My Shopping Trip

We needed some errands run today. I did the summer-to-winter clothes switch in the kids room and took inventory. Gideon was fine. Milly could use some shirts. Sophie had 2 shirts, 2 jeans and 2 pants to her name. The pants are nearing high-water territory and the jeans give her plumbers crack. Since she's so difficult to fit, I brought Sophie along with me. We also took a play kitchen that the kids only use so they can slam the fake fridge door.

I've realized that Sophie is out of toddler clothes and starting to need little girl clothes. My usual go-to place is Target and resale shops for kiddo clothes. Unfortunately, I've seen very little in the way of clothes I will allow my little girl to wear in Target. Off to Once Upon a Child we went. We turned in the kitchen at the front and began to browse. Sophie trotted up and down aisles pulling every blingy-sequiny pink and purple piece of clothing down.

"IS SO PITTY! IS SPARKERS!"
"Yes, dear. I know you prefer the Liberace look."

Here's what we came home with:

• pair of jeans (Sophie)
• pair of purple pants (Sophie)
• 4 long sleeved shirts (Sophie)
• sweater dress (Sophie)
• jacket (Sophie)
• 3 dinosaurs (Gideon)
• Texas Tech onesie (New Kid)
• Rangers dress (Milly)
• sparkly purple hair bow (Sophie)

 After the resale of the kitchen and a 20% coupon, I paid a little over $20. TWENTY DOLLARS. This is why it pays to shop resale.

After the victory lap, we ran to Target for a few things. Sophie and I go to Target often and at the end of the shopping trip we usually get an Icee for Sophie and a drink for me. Sophie laid back in the cart with her cherry Icee and grinned at me.

"I love a shop wit Mama."

So do I, baby.

Picky Eaters

It's hard to cook every night. I've tried making meal plans, prepping food and freezing it, shopping only for a week and trying to use it up before going back to the store, etc. It all comes down to making myself get up and go to the blasted kitchen. I have a few go-to recipes that Ben and I enjoy. We like chicken parm casserole, Greek chicken pitas, sour cream chicken enchiladas and shredded BBQ chicken sandwiches.

Then...there are the kids.

I was about to type that Sophie is my pickiest eater but I deleted it. Honestly, Gideon now takes that crown. He likes the following:

• deli ham, plain
• crunchy cheetos
• pop tarts
• jelly sandwiches
• dry apple jacks
• oranges and pineapple

Wow. I didn't know the list was that short until I started making it. Sophie's list is three times that length! Milly is more adventurous and just doesn't like to get bored.

They also all have different texture issues. Gideon used to like bananas but now he doesn't want to hold them. Sophie loses her mind at anything sticky. Milly doesn't like handling cold meat.

Tonight, I made a big pot of spaghetti. Plain stuff; browned hamburger from the freezer, leftover Prego and noodles. Nothing fancy.

Sophie ate a HUGE plateful and patted her distended belly.
Milly picked out some noodles and bit them in half.
Gideon stared at his plate.

Unless I start making fruit platters for dinner, they're never going to eat the same thing at the same time.

What are your family favorites? Any odd aversions?

NaBloPoMo

When I heard about the challenge to blog every day in November, I thought it was a great idea. I do love to write here and there are even some people that find me amusing.

There are also people that like blood sausage, but there you go.

I sat at my computer last night and linked my blog to the Blogher site and began to compose something introductory and witty.

Then my kids became convinced that sleep would cause their flesh to fall from their bones.

So, after a rousing night of moving kids from bed to bed to bed and soothing and rocking and groaning and begging and waking every 45 minutes to blow my nose and go to the bathroom - thank you NEW KID for following peer pressure before you even have all of your internal organs - here I am.

More to come.

Dear Baby,

It's taken me a while to realize that I'm not just sick. I have to remind myself that I'm not just gaining weight. We've had two sonograms and I'm finally understanding that you are real.

You are my child.

Sweetheart, you were a surprise but you are NOT unwanted. My head was set on having only three babies. My heart has shown that God wasn't done and that I truly wanted you.

I wish I had the right words. I feel like I can't explain myself. What I can tell you is this; I love you.

I love you, my Baby. You will always be the littlest of the family. You will always hold that special role of The Baby. I don't care if you're 35, you'll still be my Baby.

I don't know exactly who you are yet but nothing will ever change my love for you.

I am your Mama.

Love,
Me

School Days

Sophie and Gideon just brought home their first report cards a few weeks ago. It felt surreal to be on the other end of that piece of paper. Since my kiddos don't come home and tell me about school, it was also a glimpse into what's happened so far.

Both kids have made HUGE leaps with their vocabulary.  Sophie started the year using single words and repeating simple sentences occasionally. Now she uses simple sentences on her own. Gideon began almost completely non-verbal. The first month of school he used a little recorder with a big button to communicate. His teacher would record the answer ahead of time, ask a question and then let Gideon hit the button to "answer". Now he's repeating single words and using words of his own without the recorder. Actually, he's used the recorder the last few days. Ben and I have talked about trying to see where Gideon's autism ends and his introverted nature begins. Sometimes he just doesn't talk because he's too shy or there's too many people around. That's not autism; that's the Dyer male. (With the exception of my father-in-law who, I believe, got the talkative nature for 6 generations of Dyer males.)

In addition to the report cards, I've gotten an update in a binder each day telling me what they learned, what centers they played and other tidbits. They both started the year playing alone or playing with the teacher's help. Now Sophie comes home with "played with friends" circled almost daily. She's even mentioned a few of her classmates names! Gideon has even had it circled a few times. I really hope they're making friends. I know how hard it is even without the autism. Every time I see that circle, my heart swells to think of my little man stepping out of his comfort zone to play with his classmates.

Sophie has been going to the regular Pre-K room for 20 minutes each day for 4 days a week. She participates in their Circle Time. After 2 weeks, I spoke to her teacher who said that Sophie was quiet and a little afraid of the Pre-K teacher. She stayed close to her aide and wouldn't look at the teacher or talk to her. This broke my heart because it sounded so familiar. I can remember being terrified of a teacher each year in school until high school. It was never my homeroom teacher but was always one I didn't see all of the time. I discussed this with Sophie's teacher who said that she would talk to the Pre-K teacher to see if there was anything they could do. After a week she said that Sophie would talk and smile at the teacher. Now she eagerly goes to her other classroom and will interact with the kids and the teacher. I'm so proud of her for conquering her fears.

In 8 weeks, I've seen massive changes. I can't wait to see what happens by the end of the year.

Big Brave Girl

Milly had her ear tubes put in last week. Sophie had this done a few years ago so we had some idea of what to expect. My mother graciously came out to our house at the butt crack of dawn to be here for the other monsters. Ben and I loved on Milly and loaded her into the car. She had no idea what was happening but she was the only kid with Mama and Dada and that's just pretty wonderful in her book.

We got to the hospital and Milly began to get a little anxious. She watched from her perch on Daddy's arms with her thumb in her mouth and a worried wrinkle between her eyes. When we got to her room, she came to me and refused to get out of my arms. We coaxed her down onto the crib long enough to get her little hospital gown on and then she clawed her way back onto my chest. We turned on the little TV in the room and watched a little Chuggington. Then, Mickey Mouse came on.

She finally crawled out of my lap and went to watch her beloved Mouse cavort.

Ben says that even the kiddo gowns leave nothing to the imagination.

Nurses came in and out to have us sign forms and take Milly's vitals. Then we finally saw her doctor who told us that they were almost ready. A nurse came with a warmed blanket and I gave Milly over to her. We heard her little cries all the way down the hallway. No matter how used to this I was, that still made my heart hurt.

Luckily, I didn't even finish my terrible hospital coffee before her doctor came back in to tell us that they were done! We shook his hand and waited for our Sunshine.

Here's the thing; when Sophie had this done, the nurses and doctor told us that she might be "a little agitated" when she was coming out of the anesthesia. When they brought Sophie back to us...well...that kid Hulked out. It looked like she was about to hunt down every single person involved in this travesty so that she could burn down their house and kick their pets. She cried, screamed and raged for about 20 minutes before I finally pinned her to the bed with a blanket. Once we got her still and got Sesame Street on then she finally began to calm down.

Needless to say, we were worried when we heard our little Sunshine's cries down the hallway again. They rolled her hospital crib into the room and I picked her up. Milly buried her head on my shoulder and sobbed. We gave her some diluted juice and she eagerly gulped down half of the cup before tossing it down. I sat in the rocking chair with Milly wrapped in a big blanket and cradled on my chest. We turned off all of the lights and I just rocked my precious little girl.

5 minutes and that kid stopped crying. Her little eyelashes fluttered as she fought sleep. I was so grateful that she accepted my comfort and lullabies.

I passed her to her Daddy after a bit and gave her the rest of her juice. By the time they were done taking her vitals and making sure she was going to be OK, she was acting like nothing had happened. She was standing on the crib laughing at Mickey again.

While walking to the car, we realized that she was whipping her head around in confusion at the bird sounds. She can hear! While driving home, we gave praise to God that our sweet brave girl did so well. She's still responding so well to sounds and she's starting to make new sounds herself.

Also? That whole "sorry-mom-I-can't-hear-you-so-I-can't-do-what-you-just-ordered" thing is no longer valid. Now she has to come when I call her. Theoretically.

Mama Has Christmas Spirit

Mama Has Christmas Spirit by crankytoddler featuring christmas jewelry

Life List

Here are the next 5 in my Life List. What are you going to do with your life?

6. Do a 5K and run the whole time. 
7. Finish my bachelor’s degree. 
8. Copy Bible verses into a homemade art journal. 
9. Learn conversational Spanish. 
10. Take a pottery class.

Mama Needs Some Wiggle Room

My Life List: 5 at a Time

A Life List is 100 things that you would like to do before you leave this Earth. I'm working on mine and will share it with you 5 items at a time.


1. Make matching dresses for me, Sophie and Milly. 
2. Begin and lead a support group for Christian women struggling with depression and anxiety. 
3. Paint “feeling” portraits based on my favorite songs. 
4. Make care packages for NICU parents.  
5. Learn  to play the bass.

What about you? Have you ever made a Life List?

A Good Influence

I went to a church from 1st/2nd grade until I was a freshman. I grew up around some amazing people. Some of those people are now back in my life thanks to social media. (Fine. Facebook. I'M TOO OLD FOR THE TUMBLR.)

MANDY
There was a girl a few years older than me with beautiful red hair and the voice of an angel. Seriously, everyone stopped in wonder when Mandy sang. I sang in the children's and youth choirs the whole time we attended this church. I watched Mandy sing countless solos and could not even feel envy because she was so amazing. Mandy unknowingly pushed me to continue singing and take lessons to hone my voice. In high school, I nabbed my own fair share of solos. Now we comment back and forth on our statuses about kid antics and other minutia. I wonder if she still sings.

BRANDON
Brandon was a force of nature. He could sing. He could act. He could bring you to hysterical tears with a funny story. I don't think he has ever met a stranger. Even if you were 4 years younger, he still made you feel important. He taught me to put aside my comfort zone and step into the spotlight. I learned that I could stumble on my lines and still get laughs. I still have scars from when Brandon ran up behind another boy at the water park who was talking to a chaperone and pantsed him and HEY NOW I KNOW THAT BOYS DON'T WEAR ANYTHING UNDER THEIR SWIMSUITS. I love reading his travel stories and seeing the pictures of fun places he's been. It looks like many others have seen how dynamic and fun Brandon can be as your friend.

ASHLEY AND HEATHER
Ashley and Heather were both my age. I think they have been friends and both attended that church since the beginning of their lives. Both were (and still are) gorgeous, talented and brilliant. They were good friends who honestly cared about others. Now they are grown women each with a little girl. Those girls are also friends and remind me so much of the girls I grew up with. I'm grateful to still call them friends.

SHANNON
Oh dear. Where to begin? Shannon was my best friend. Only a year older, she went before me and I followed her like a little sister. I'm the oldest in my family and a big sibling was something I never got to experience. Shannon gave me that. She started high school and band first and told me how cool it was. We went to my first concert together. (Audio Adrenaline and DC Talk. 90's kids, REPRESENT.) I still remember her advice to all of the other girls going on "Date Night" at church camp. "You're going to be sitting next to this boy during dinner and service. CLEAN YOUR EARS." I'm thrilled to know that she'll get to pass down this essential knowledge to her little girl.  I love hearing about her homeschooling adventures with her boy and girl. I feel so blessed that she is back in my life.

Thank you. Thank you for what you taught me, what you shared with me and for friending me again.