I Just Don't Know

Sophie is having multiple nuclear meltdowns today. It makes her incredibly sensitive brother cry. I used to be that sensitive sibling hiding when the yelling started. Now I'm the Mama who has to simultaneously calm/redirect Sophie, reassure Gideon and keep feeding Milly who is wondering where her macaroni went.

Sophie goes in the crib to calm down. Gideon gets hugged and kissed. Milly gets her macaroni. Once Gideon and Milly are done with lunch, they go down for naps. Sophie continues screaming.

Pull Sophie out. Chores will have to wait. Put her sneakers on and grab the chalk.

She's alone and outside. I'm watching from the porch. She's a different kid. I see the tension flowing out of her every time she turns her face into the wind. Sometimes she stops drawing and just stands. She's quiet. Her long hair blows all around her head because she refuses to put it up. She squints in the sunlight but her face follows the warmth.

She can't tell me why she's angry but I can fix it. A little.

Chalk and sunshine. I wish I knew what that cured.

The Mama Uniform: Take Two

Boogie Woogie Brain

I'm at a low point right now. I'm not even sure why it's happening. Yes, life is very stressful right now.

• We're still trying to enroll Sophie into different therapies. GISD is dragging their feet and they keep asking for more paperwork. I've given them enough that they will at least put her case in front of a board to see if she qualifies for the PPCD program. She probably won't start that program until the next school year. We've been wait-listed for speech therapy at the Callier Center. So now we just have to figure out a schedule, find some classes and possibly go back to Mother's Day out for the summer. The speech therapist said that Sophie would respond very well to therapy.
• Gideon is still showing autism red flags. He will turn 3 at the end of June. I've spoken to the GISD people and we're going to wait until he turns 3 and inevitably fails his pediatrician's developmental evaluation. Pair that with a vision and hearing test and we'll see if he can also qualify for the PPCD program in the fall. Again, we'll just look for some speech classes and maybe MDO in the summer. He is talking more and more. We're noticing that what originally looked like red flags are actually part of a shy personality. He's a quiet little introvert just like his Daddy. He can talk but a lot of the time he just chooses not to. He loves to sing and that makes my heart soar.
• Milly is hitting all of her milestones. She's a feisty little thing. I wept tears of joy when I saw her stacking blocks at 14 months old instead of over 2 years old like her siblings. She walks all over and runs if she's getting into something. She laughs at everything and screeches if it's really funny. She eats like a teenage boy. She toots like one, too. She hates wearing bows and dresses. She loves watching the Ranger games. She's Daddy's Little Sunshine. I would love to see her in MDO, too. She's pretty firmly entrenched in the separation anxiety phase and MDO changes that quickly.
• We're staying in the same rental house for another year. There is a lot of work that needs to happen in this house to make it habitable. The majority of the work is going to fall to me. Every room needs to be painted and trim needs to be added. 3 ceiling fans will be replaced and one will be added. Closets will be emptied and reorganized. The master walk-in closet will be turned into a very small office space. The kids will share one bedroom and have a playroom.

All of this is added to the day-to-day cooking, cleaning and general domesticated merriment of a SAHM. I'm still losing weight and inches on the Weight Watchers plan. I've boxed up a ton of my old clothes. There's not a whole lot left. It's irritating to buy new clothes right now for a few reasons and they are both ridiculous.

1. I'm outgrowing clothes quickly. I don't like spending $60 on a pair of jeans that are going to be saggy-baggy in a month. I know. BOO-HOO.
2. Everything is in pretty and bright springy colors right when I'm in a depressive funk. I want to buy all black but then I lust after yellow shirts and cherry covered purses. I know. GET OVER YOURSELF.

All of this rambling diatribe is basically to say that anxiety sucks, my life is actually going very well and I need prayers that God won't stop hitting me with a 2x4 until my eyes uncross and I see what He's given me.

Monday Brain Dump

Last night I was lying in bed and listening to my husband snore. He has a really bad cold. I thought of something really funny about the kids for my blog but now I can't remember it because I was up all night. You'll just have to trust me. It was really funny. I'm going to have to get a notebook to keep by the side of the bed for when inspiration hits.

All of the kids have the cold, too. Gideon is the worst. I had to give him saline and his inhaler this morning. He's not too wild about me at the moment. He also had his first seasonal bloody nose on Friday night. Saturday morning scared his Daddy. It looks like Gideon is going to have some rough allergy seasons.

Milly has been waking up in the middle of the night with a grumbly tummy. A bottle of milk usually sets her to right and she'll go back to sleep. She's also eating a lot at meals. I think we've hit a growth spurt and I'm considering hanging a hamster bottle to her crib. I'm watching her stalk her siblings now. Whenever they sit their sippy cups down, she grabs them and drinks as fast as she can. Little thief.

I like cheesy monster movies. I stayed up last night watching Underworld. I loved Van Helsing. The Blade trilogy is one of my must-sees. Constantine was even pretty decent and I'm a fan of the comic books. (The books are better.) I think I'm going to try Resident Evil.

SPILL RESISTANT SNACK CUPS, MY SHINY CELLULITE MARKED BUTT.

Gideon is saying words now. He'll repeat me on some things and others are spontaneous. I'm realizing that the selective muteism may not be spectrum-related but may just be his personality. He doesn't like to be the center of attention. He won't speak when his loudmouth sister is talking for him. Yesterday, he sat by me and quietly recited the whole alphabet. He started it himself and grinned at me as if to say "Are you hearing this?"

Yes, baby. I heard every letter.

Mama's Walking on the Wild Side

10 Things I Have Learned in 4 Years of Motherhood

1. If I rip the delicate little tab off then I will reach for packing tape instead of another diaper.
2. I can tell you which of my kids has soiled themselves just by the smell.
3. I can walk down 3 grocery store aisles with my daughter hanging from my shirt, bringing the neckline down to my navel, and not notice a thing.
4. Bubble baths are sacred.
5. I can carry a boneless and shrieking 4-year old to the car and still remain cheerful in my tone of voice.
6. I really don't care if they refuse to eat dinner one night. They're not going to starve. I just mentally make a note to be ready at breakfast.
7. Poop, barf, spit, snot and other bodily fluids no longer gross me out. Bring on the nursing degree.
8. My bed. MY. BED. NOT THEIRS.
9. Cheapo notebooks are better coloring books than actual coloring books.
10. Mothers are superheroes who believe that every single other mother is doing it better than they are.

Hug a mother today.

Mama Makes Menswear Feminine