Change

My verse for January has been written on my heart.

My verse for February is Philippians 4:8

"Finally, my friends, keep your minds on whatever is true, pure, right, holy, friendly, and proper. Don’t ever stop thinking about what is truly worthwhile and worthy of praise. You know the teachings I gave you, and you know what you heard me say and saw me do. So follow my example. And God, who gives peace, will be with you."

It's a good verse to write on my heart this month because we have some serious changes happening here in the Dyer house.  On Monday, we took Sophie to see a developmental doctor.  We've had the appointment for months and I've been hoping and praying to hear "speech delay" and "moderate behavioral therapy" and "nothing time can't fix".


Instead we heard this;


"Pervasive Developmental Disorder-Not Otherwise Specified (PDD-NOS) is one of the autism spectrum disorders and is used to describe individuals who do not fully meet the criteria for autistic disorder or Asperger syndrome. PDD-NOS may be thought of as “subthreshold autism," or a diagnosis one can give a person who has “atypical symptomatology.” In other words, when someone has autistic characteristics but some of their symptoms are mild, or they have symptoms in one area (like social deficits), but none in another key area (like restricted, repetitive behaviors), they may be given the PDD-NOS label."
 - Autism Speaks

So now we're reading books and websites about how to communicate with our daughter.  We're making appointments with medical doctors to have her records updated so she can be seen by Special Education programs.  We're reading other parents' stories and realizing how much they sound like our baby.

There are a lot of tears.  There is fear that makes my hands shake.  There is a quiet panic that I can't let my extra-sensitive daughter see because now I know how much it can affect her.

So I go to my verse.

I praise God for Sophie's health.  She's an active little girl with no motor skill delays.
I praise God that Sophie is good and pure.  She loves her family with all of her heart and is keen to our joys and pains.

I praise God for what is true.

I am Sophie's mother.  I am the one who carried her in my body for 34 weeks.  I am the one who stayed up on the futon in the living room while Sophie slept in the baby car seat, wailing if I stopped rocking it in my sleep deprived haze.  I am the one who strapped that baby to my chest with a sling and marched all over the house.  I am the one who sang lullabies to her in the NICU.  I am the one who sat with a cranky toddler in a government office waiting for my turn to speak to someone about food stamps.  I am the one who wipes the tears off of her face when she is scared and the poop off of her butt when she's stinky.

I am the one God gently reminded that this was His baby given to me to care for only a short period of time on this Earth when I was still pregnant.  He trusts me with His child.

I will focus on these things and I will feel God's peace.

Ppppbbbbllllttt!!!!!!

Gideon is the only one of my children who loves stomach zerbets.

He climbs onto the couch beside me, lurches over, raises his shirt with a giant grin on his face and then plasters himself on my face.

His meaning being "ZERBET MY TUMMY OR SUFFOCATE.  MAKE YOUR CHOICE, MAMA!"

Prayers and Lessons

I haven't really posted about any resolutions for 2012.  There are not too many things I want to do this year.  OK, that's a lie, there's a ton of stuff I want to do.  This is one of the most important things.

I want to learn a new Bible verse every month.

Now when I say "learn" I don't just mean memorize the words.  I want to write those words on my heart.  I want to dissect the verse and truly get to the bottom of what God is saying to me through that verse.

January's verses are Romans 8:38-39

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life; neither angels nor demons; neither present nor future nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation shall separate us from the love of God through Jesus Christ our Lord."

Now I'll admit that I wrote that by heart and them immediately checked You Version.  I left out the part of "nor anything else in all creation".  I'm still getting there.

The part that hooked me today is that God never mentions the past.  He states that "neither present nor future" will separate us but the past is not in there.  One could argue that the past is lumped in there with anything in all creation...but God is specific in His words.

I guess the reason this caught my attention was because there are still parts of my past that I haven't settled.  There are people that I still have to wake up and daily ask God to put forgiveness in my heart for them.  There are choices that I made that still shame me.  There are people I pray over only because God puts them on my heart and I know that I'm supposed to do what He tells me to do.  Before I pray, I ask him to search my heart for Black Spots and cleanse me.  Then I ask Him to only let me pray with a clean heart.  Sometimes it takes a long time.  He brings up people that have hurt me.  He brings up someone that I used to call my best friend until they cut me out of their life.  He brings up people whose lifestyles I don't think are Godly.

Then He always reminds me that I'm not perfect.  I still make mistake after mistake.  However, just as He promises in Romans, because of the decision I made when I was 10 then I will never again be separated from the love of God.  He reminds me that these people need these prayers.  They need to know His love.  They need His conviction.

So I pray.  First for cleansing and then for whoever God brings to my heart.

Because I am convinced.

The Potty is Not Going To Eat You

Look, the majority of the content on this blog is going to revolve around potty training my stubborn 4 year old daughter for a while.  I might break it up occasionally but right now her shiny little heinie is pretty much the focus of my days.  If you're getting bored then go look at cat videos.

Today was day 2 of Operation Break Sophie's Will or Possibly Pop Her Kidneys.

She came out of bed with the diaper that ate Manhattan.  I cleaned her up and left her pantsless.  My sister calls this the "Winnie the Pooh" or "Donald Duck" method.  Sophie knew what this meant and started getting cranky right away.  I offered a potty trip and she fell to the ground howling.  I said "OK!" and walked away.

She got up.  Stared at me.  Looked at the bathroom.  I could see her little brain working it out.  I didn't care?  I wasn't going to make her do anything?  What's the catch?

I watched her fight all day.  I gave her cup after cup after cup of juice.  Finally, I was sorting clothes in the hallway when it hit.

Sophie came SCA-REE-HEEMING down the hallway like she was on fire.  Again, I calmly looked at her and asked her if she wanted to go potty.  She screamed all the way to the bathroom and I heard clanking, banging, crashes and finally...a small tinkling sound.

The sound of victory.

Granted, she had ripped down my cute little potty chart and peed on it.  She was also just hovering over the potty and had peed in / on it.  It took 15 minutes to calm her down and convince her that she was not going to turn inside out and die right there on the tile floor.  I cleaned everything up and brought out the stickers.

"Stickees?", she said while sniffling.

"Yes, baby!  You get to put stickers on your chart now!"

She gleefully put a sticker in the box and another at the top of the chart.  Then she came out to the living room and paced around and around.  She kept going over to the laundry and bringing me her pants because she knows that pants mean a diaper as well.  I knew she still had to go so I asked her again.  She yelled as she ran into the bathroom...and then ran right back out into the living room.

It's OK.  Mama has Resolve.

After getting everything out of her system, the fight just left her.  She sat in my lap, exhausted and worn.  She slept for 15 minutes that way.  (Me praying the whole time that she didn't pee all over me.)  When she woke up...something clicked.

5 more times today, she went to the potty and did her business.  This time it was with clapping, dancing and elated stickering.  One time, she even ran to me in the kitchen to tell me she had to go.  She went to bed tonight with 6 stickers on her chart and a Pull-Up on her butt.  She fell asleep in minutes.

I know not every day is going to be like this.  Some days will be great.  Some days will go through a whole can of Resolve and most of my resolve.  Today, however, ended with 6 stickers.  I feel like I earned them, too.

Mama Welcomes the Springtime

Four

Dear Sophie,

Right now you are in your bed with only ONE TOY.  I'm a monster, I know.  You're used to sleeping with about 4 but, since you keep pelting your brother with them, I now limit you to one.  You've been potty training all day.  Since 10:00 this morning you have been totally bare bottomed and have not gone in the potty at all.  No accidents, no potty.  Just pure stubborn I-refuse-to-do-this-on-your-terms.  You went to bed early tonight because you didn't nap and were manic with trying to do the Potty Dance all over the house.

Honestly, you annoyed the crap out of me today.

Four years ago you were lying in the Baylor NICU with a feeding tube in your nose, 3 monitors on your body and an IV in your scalp.  You weighed 5 pounds and 2 ounces.  You were the smallest baby I had ever seen up close.  I remember standing by your bassinet with your Daddy as the nurses told us about your feeding tube and what to expect over the next few days.

God, I was scared.

You were my first.  My first baby.  I thought I had done everything right until my water broke at midnight on the 16th.  You were only 34 weeks along.  After laboring with you for over a day, you entered the world at 6:48 AM on the 17th of January.  Your little head was cone-shaped because you took your sweet time.  You didn't cry.  You were very alert.  The doctor put you on my stomach and all I could see was your tiny right hand waving around as they dried you off.  I was scared and asking why you weren't crying.  As they tried to convince me that some babies just don't cry, I tried to convince myself that you were real by taking that little hand.

You held my finger and my heart shattered.

I was a Mama.  I had always wanted to be a Mama and here you were.  My baby girl.  My Sophia Sakura.  I held you for an hour that seemed like 3 seconds.  Then they took you to the NICU and I didn't see you again for another 7 hours.  It was a tiny taste of the most perfect feeling in the world and then it was snatched away from me.

That first night, I couldn't sleep.  I crept out of my room at 3 in the morning and slowly made my way to the NICU.  They were just about to feed you and offered to try breastfeeding.  We couldn't make it work so they suggested Kangaroo Care instead.  I sat in a comfortable glider with my feet up.  You laid your tiny head on my left breast and tucked your feet under my right breast.  The nurses put warm blankets over both of us and then put a screen around us.

Every muscle in your tiny body relaxed and you fell asleep over my heart.

I sat for hours just marveling at the wonder that is You.  I sang lullabies.  I told you about your cat.  I examined your face to see what family members you resembled.  I will remember those hours for the rest of my life.

Happy birthday, my Sophie-chan.  Please go to the bathroom.

Not Giving Up

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
Romans 8:38-39

Do you hear that?!?

It doesn't matter that Sophie still couldn't understand my instructions about potty training and had a massive meltdown.

It doesn't matter that Gideon tried to destroy everything whenever I went into the bathroom with Sophie because he was jealous of all of the attention his sister was getting.

It doesn't matter that Milly freaked out whenever I not only left her sight but went out of her reach making nap time a really difficult thing.

God was still with me all day.  He still loves me.  He still believes in my ability to mother these children.  He's going to be there as I cry tonight.

I'm still OK.