My Back: "Ouch."
Me: "This sucks. I want to watch / surf in my bedroom but I have no computer and my iPhone screen is tiny."
Laptop: "Hai, I'm portable!"
My Brain: "I'm so frickin' tired."
My Kids in 30 Years: "Sorry for ruining your brain. And your thighs."
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Geeky Dream
I fell asleep listening to the Harry Potter soundtrack a few days ago. Evidently my subconscious took this and ran wild.
Melissa, you're going to want to read this.
OK, so I was in 6th grade. I received a letter saying that I had been accepted into an elite 7-year boarding school and could choose my location. I found out that my best friend had also been chosen. Since we were Harry Potter geeks, we chose to go to the England location. The one that looks JUST like Hogwarts but it doesn't teach magic. It's in a giant castle, you take a train to get there and there are four "houses" but it's not Hogwarts. We were in the Blue House. This was obvious in our school uniforms and we stayed in one of the wings of the castle with the rest of the Blue House. We played field hockey. The schools are all made up of about 75% of the native country's population and about 25% foreigners. The American school is located in the Adirondacks and is a large Colonial plantation. All of the schools met once a year for a massive academic competition. There were schools in Russia, France, Spain, Egypt, Ireland and Brazil.
That was one AWESOME dream.
Melissa, you're going to want to read this.
OK, so I was in 6th grade. I received a letter saying that I had been accepted into an elite 7-year boarding school and could choose my location. I found out that my best friend had also been chosen. Since we were Harry Potter geeks, we chose to go to the England location. The one that looks JUST like Hogwarts but it doesn't teach magic. It's in a giant castle, you take a train to get there and there are four "houses" but it's not Hogwarts. We were in the Blue House. This was obvious in our school uniforms and we stayed in one of the wings of the castle with the rest of the Blue House. We played field hockey. The schools are all made up of about 75% of the native country's population and about 25% foreigners. The American school is located in the Adirondacks and is a large Colonial plantation. All of the schools met once a year for a massive academic competition. There were schools in Russia, France, Spain, Egypt, Ireland and Brazil.
That was one AWESOME dream.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Just A Peek
It's days like today that make me wish for my old coping mechanisms.
I feel like holing in a booth or a chair with unlimited cups of diesel fuel coffee and chain-smoking while I journal. I want a big soft hoodie to shield me from the outside. I want to plug my ears with my iPod and journal through the music.
I still use music. It's hard to connect with my feelings. I don't like to face them. I would rather bury everything and just clean my sink or sort laundry. Instead, I sit down with an empty page, a pen and a few playlists. Rage Against the Machine pounds in my ears while I mark up my journal in big block letters. I let the anger flow out of my body and onto paper where I can deal with everything without it being so jumbled. I turn the music to Alison Krauss and let the tears smudge the page while I allow myself to be sad and write about why I'm sad.
The coffee keeps me alert and focused. The cigarettes make me calm and take away the facial twitch that seems to get worse whenever the anxiety gets in the red.
I can't do this anymore. I can still journal. I can still listen to music. I have to limit my caffeine so that I can get enough sleep to get up in the morning and take care of the kids. Smoking is right out. Can't pick that habit back up.
I'm a suburban mom of three. I have to act like one. Take my medicine, say my prayers, stop complaining and just do what has to be done.
Still, every once and a while, my finger itch.
I feel like holing in a booth or a chair with unlimited cups of diesel fuel coffee and chain-smoking while I journal. I want a big soft hoodie to shield me from the outside. I want to plug my ears with my iPod and journal through the music.
I still use music. It's hard to connect with my feelings. I don't like to face them. I would rather bury everything and just clean my sink or sort laundry. Instead, I sit down with an empty page, a pen and a few playlists. Rage Against the Machine pounds in my ears while I mark up my journal in big block letters. I let the anger flow out of my body and onto paper where I can deal with everything without it being so jumbled. I turn the music to Alison Krauss and let the tears smudge the page while I allow myself to be sad and write about why I'm sad.
The coffee keeps me alert and focused. The cigarettes make me calm and take away the facial twitch that seems to get worse whenever the anxiety gets in the red.
I can't do this anymore. I can still journal. I can still listen to music. I have to limit my caffeine so that I can get enough sleep to get up in the morning and take care of the kids. Smoking is right out. Can't pick that habit back up.
I'm a suburban mom of three. I have to act like one. Take my medicine, say my prayers, stop complaining and just do what has to be done.
Still, every once and a while, my finger itch.
Monday, August 29, 2011
Death to Naptime
I'm not sure what's happening in our house.
Sophie is 3 and a half. She has started to give up napping. I'm cool with this decision or "down wit it" as the younglings say. The only problem with her wanting to give up her afternoon nap is that by 5:00, demons start pouring out of her mouth and ears. Big purple demons with pitchforks, torches, butcher knives and clipboards asking if you have a minute for a small survey. They make her rampage through the house knocking down her brother and looking for small animals to stomp.
So I've started doing the Mom Thing of "You don't have to sleep. Just lay down and rest for a while." This isn't going over well, either. She takes this time to pin Pink Baby and Ernie to the wall by the crib rail and then strip her fitted sheet off the bed and wear it like a cape.
Next is my two year old, Gideon. The Boy still needs a nap and he will still take a nap.
Eventually.
First he has to do the I'm-Not-Tired dance for about 4 hours. Then he has to stare into space like a zombie for another 30 minutes. He has to refuse all food you give him and then try to eat the dried up macaroni that the vacuum missed on the floor under the ottoman. He has to stop playing with all 10 gazillion of his toys and only want your skillets and something from the recycling bin. Then he has to crawl all over you like you are Kilimanjaro. (YOU ARE THERE.) Once you get him into the bed, he has to take off the fitted sheet (what is with this?!) and try to crawl under his mattress.
Then he will finally pass out cold 20 minutes before you need to leave to go somewhere.
Milly takes about 3 naps a day. Well, according to the schedule, she takes 3 naps a day. In truth, she screams like she's being skinned alive until I feed her a bottle and then will army crawl over the entire living room looking for razor blades to swallow. She will slither up behind her brother and grab his ankle causing him to leap 40 feet into the air and clutch the ceiling fan. Then, when she is yawning, she gently lays down and everything is wonderful.
For about 40 minutes.
My mother has asked me before why I put my kids to bed at 7:00. ("It's so early!)
Mama's tired, yo.
Sophie is 3 and a half. She has started to give up napping. I'm cool with this decision or "down wit it" as the younglings say. The only problem with her wanting to give up her afternoon nap is that by 5:00, demons start pouring out of her mouth and ears. Big purple demons with pitchforks, torches, butcher knives and clipboards asking if you have a minute for a small survey. They make her rampage through the house knocking down her brother and looking for small animals to stomp.
So I've started doing the Mom Thing of "You don't have to sleep. Just lay down and rest for a while." This isn't going over well, either. She takes this time to pin Pink Baby and Ernie to the wall by the crib rail and then strip her fitted sheet off the bed and wear it like a cape.
Next is my two year old, Gideon. The Boy still needs a nap and he will still take a nap.
Eventually.
First he has to do the I'm-Not-Tired dance for about 4 hours. Then he has to stare into space like a zombie for another 30 minutes. He has to refuse all food you give him and then try to eat the dried up macaroni that the vacuum missed on the floor under the ottoman. He has to stop playing with all 10 gazillion of his toys and only want your skillets and something from the recycling bin. Then he has to crawl all over you like you are Kilimanjaro. (YOU ARE THERE.) Once you get him into the bed, he has to take off the fitted sheet (what is with this?!) and try to crawl under his mattress.
Then he will finally pass out cold 20 minutes before you need to leave to go somewhere.
Milly takes about 3 naps a day. Well, according to the schedule, she takes 3 naps a day. In truth, she screams like she's being skinned alive until I feed her a bottle and then will army crawl over the entire living room looking for razor blades to swallow. She will slither up behind her brother and grab his ankle causing him to leap 40 feet into the air and clutch the ceiling fan. Then, when she is yawning, she gently lays down and everything is wonderful.
For about 40 minutes.
My mother has asked me before why I put my kids to bed at 7:00. ("It's so early!)
Mama's tired, yo.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
The Pros and Cons of a 6 Month Old
Pro: She only drinks formula. I never have to fret and decide about what she's going to eat or not eat.
Con: She spits up 19 gazillion times after each bottle. Almost always all over me. ON PURPOSE. (Seriously, she turns away from the burp cloth or rips off the bib and aims for my pants.)
Pro: She nurses to sleep delicately against me. There is nothing like a contented, sleeping baby cuddled on my chest.
Con: She only naps in 20 minute stretches and then acts like a cranky tiger after playing for another 20 minutes. Ferber himself would walk out saying "Dude, I have no idea."
Pro: She is my first child with hair! Beautiful, wonderful hair since birth!
Con: Cradle cap. Ew.
Pro: She makes funny faces.
Con: She's probably about to yack on the carpet. Seriously, this kid has no constitution.
Pro: She's my most contented and easy going baby. So far her sister has peed on her face and her brother has stepped on her face in shoes and she was fine minutes after each incident. Nothing really makes her mad.
Con: Except teeth. (Which you can barely see in the picture.) They are coming in one at a time and slower than molasses.
I think I'll keep her. And possibly buy stock in Resolve and Shout.
Con: She spits up 19 gazillion times after each bottle. Almost always all over me. ON PURPOSE. (Seriously, she turns away from the burp cloth or rips off the bib and aims for my pants.)
Pro: She nurses to sleep delicately against me. There is nothing like a contented, sleeping baby cuddled on my chest.
Con: She only naps in 20 minute stretches and then acts like a cranky tiger after playing for another 20 minutes. Ferber himself would walk out saying "Dude, I have no idea."
Pro: She is my first child with hair! Beautiful, wonderful hair since birth!
Con: Cradle cap. Ew.
Pro: She makes funny faces.
Con: She's probably about to yack on the carpet. Seriously, this kid has no constitution.
Pro: She's my most contented and easy going baby. So far her sister has peed on her face and her brother has stepped on her face in shoes and she was fine minutes after each incident. Nothing really makes her mad.
Con: Except teeth. (Which you can barely see in the picture.) They are coming in one at a time and slower than molasses.
I think I'll keep her. And possibly buy stock in Resolve and Shout.
Monday, August 1, 2011
Glamour
This morning I cheered on a three year old as she removed her gown and put on pants. I also explained how cream would make her red butt feel better so that she would allow me to put it on her because everything must be explained now.
Then I wrestled my very angry, very poopy 2 year old little boy until he was clean. He wanted to grab handfuls of poo to fling at me because I was stifling his creativity or something.
Lastly, after feeding my 6 month old daughter, she leaned back and sighed. Then she gave a tiny cough and explosively spit up all over me. And then leaned back and sighed again.
My life is magical.
Then I wrestled my very angry, very poopy 2 year old little boy until he was clean. He wanted to grab handfuls of poo to fling at me because I was stifling his creativity or something.
Lastly, after feeding my 6 month old daughter, she leaned back and sighed. Then she gave a tiny cough and explosively spit up all over me. And then leaned back and sighed again.
My life is magical.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
A Quick Note
Darling Children,
Mommy has not had her anti-anxiety medication for a whole week now. Mommy is getting dangerously close to insanity.
EAT YOUR SUPPER SO I CAN CHANGE YOUR DIAPERS AND PUT YOU TO BED OR MOMMY IS GOING TO STAPLE YOU TO THE CEILING.
Mommy loves you.
Mommy has not had her anti-anxiety medication for a whole week now. Mommy is getting dangerously close to insanity.
EAT YOUR SUPPER SO I CAN CHANGE YOUR DIAPERS AND PUT YOU TO BED OR MOMMY IS GOING TO STAPLE YOU TO THE CEILING.
Mommy loves you.
Saturday, July 2, 2011
Drinks All Around
Me: Ooh! I thought of a new kahlua drink!
Ben: Oh?
Me: Don't call me a lush.
Ben: I didn't...out loud.
Me: It's from being raised so strictly southern baptist.
Ben: Well, I'm glad you're making up for it now.
Me: I barely have time to make up for it now. You keep getting me pregnant.
Ben: Do you hear how awful that sounds?
Me: Ugh.
Ben: Fine. I'm sorry I keep knocking you up and getting in the way of your make-up drinking.
Ben: Oh?
Me: Don't call me a lush.
Ben: I didn't...out loud.
Me: It's from being raised so strictly southern baptist.
Ben: Well, I'm glad you're making up for it now.
Me: I barely have time to make up for it now. You keep getting me pregnant.
Ben: Do you hear how awful that sounds?
Me: Ugh.
Ben: Fine. I'm sorry I keep knocking you up and getting in the way of your make-up drinking.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Coming Out
For some time now, something has been weighing on my heart. I have alluded to mental problems here on my blog. I've told some people a little bit of my history. I don't hide the fact that I'm on medication for depression and anxiety.
However, God is bringing different stories to my attention. He's showing me what happens when people don't speak up when something is wrong. He's showing me that there is still a stigma and a shame attached to depression, anxiety, OCD, agoraphobia and other mental illnesses. I feel like He's asking me to stand up and tell my story a little more clearly.
I became a Christian when I was 10. Like most first-born children, I am a people pleaser and that translated over to my relationship with God. I tried to be perfect for Him. I tried my hardest not to sin, to do my best at school and to always make life easy for my parents. I failed miserably but I kept trying. When I was 20, I married my first husband. Now that I was out of the house and only responsible to my husband and myself, I began to get lax. I started gaining weight and started smoking off and on. I stopped going to church. I quit reading the Bible and eventually stopped talking to God unless it was an emergency.
2 years after getting married, I got pregnant and then lost the baby after 4 days. I spiraled down into a deep, dark pit of depression. I became obsessed with making my body work. I couldn't get pregnant again so we stopped trying. In a haze, I just went back and forth to work. I ate dinner and watched TV. I tried to sleep but almost always had to take pills to get myself to sleep. Once I was asleep, I could sleep for days. I never wanted to shower. I never wanted to go out. I never wanted to interact with anyone. I just stopped. My world became as large as my bedroom. My husband just left me alone so that I could deal with it. He didn't want to bother me.
1 year to the day after the miscarriage, I found out that my husband was in love with another woman. I never heard my husband say that he loved me again. He became secretive. He never mentioned wanting a divorce but he refused to tell me what was really going on with this woman. To this day, I have no idea if it was an emotional affair or if he was sleeping with her. We both went to counseling, individual and marriage. He didn't like our marriage counselor because the doctor was making it out to be all his fault.
In March 2005, I snapped. I drove to my mother's house and began ranting and raving. She recognized that I was gone and took me to the ER. I was admitted into an outpatient program the next day. I've read the journal posts from those first days in the institution and I'm amazed at how...sick I sound. The second journal post is all about my husband who was in a bad mood when I came home from my therapy. It turns out that he was hurt that no one had been paying attention to him during this "hard time".
After 3 days of outpatient therapy, I knew that if I went home then I would be dead the next day. I gave a note to one of the doctors and they would not let me leave. I stayed inpatient for a week until my medicine leveled out and I felt safe going home. The first thing my husband asked when I called him to tell him about staying was whether or not I was going to lose my job and had I called the insurance company. Again, I look at those journal posts and I'm flabbergasted that I lived like this for so long.
While in therapy, I hit rock bottom. I had a husband who was in love with another woman but wasn't willing to let me know what he thought of me. He would rather keep me dangling as some bizarre roommate. I was unable to get pregnant. I had no friends. I hated my job. I was terrified to step outside most days. I was lying on the floor of a co-ed mental institution on a mattress next to a nurse because I was on "Suicide Watch". I wasn't allowed to have shoelaces or caffeine. I wanted my dogs and my Mama.
God found me. I remembered one verse. "Be still and know that I am God."
I began to pray. Actually, I didn't even pray, I just talked to God like an old friend. Slowly, life flooded back into my heart and I realized how cold it had been for years. Every day I talked to God. Every day I felt myself thaw a little more. Every day I cried and those tears cleared my eyes. I needed God more than anything else.
I still took my medicine and I still take it now. I thank God for my medicine and no matter how good I feel I will not stop taking it. That medicine is a gift from Him to allow me to function in this world. I am grateful to have it.
I still think about my first husband. I hope that he has turned to God, too. I hope that he has joy in his life. I pray for him daily. He was more than a good friend. We spent 10 years together, dating and married. I truly hope he has peace and love in his life.
I know I do.
However, God is bringing different stories to my attention. He's showing me what happens when people don't speak up when something is wrong. He's showing me that there is still a stigma and a shame attached to depression, anxiety, OCD, agoraphobia and other mental illnesses. I feel like He's asking me to stand up and tell my story a little more clearly.
I became a Christian when I was 10. Like most first-born children, I am a people pleaser and that translated over to my relationship with God. I tried to be perfect for Him. I tried my hardest not to sin, to do my best at school and to always make life easy for my parents. I failed miserably but I kept trying. When I was 20, I married my first husband. Now that I was out of the house and only responsible to my husband and myself, I began to get lax. I started gaining weight and started smoking off and on. I stopped going to church. I quit reading the Bible and eventually stopped talking to God unless it was an emergency.
2 years after getting married, I got pregnant and then lost the baby after 4 days. I spiraled down into a deep, dark pit of depression. I became obsessed with making my body work. I couldn't get pregnant again so we stopped trying. In a haze, I just went back and forth to work. I ate dinner and watched TV. I tried to sleep but almost always had to take pills to get myself to sleep. Once I was asleep, I could sleep for days. I never wanted to shower. I never wanted to go out. I never wanted to interact with anyone. I just stopped. My world became as large as my bedroom. My husband just left me alone so that I could deal with it. He didn't want to bother me.
1 year to the day after the miscarriage, I found out that my husband was in love with another woman. I never heard my husband say that he loved me again. He became secretive. He never mentioned wanting a divorce but he refused to tell me what was really going on with this woman. To this day, I have no idea if it was an emotional affair or if he was sleeping with her. We both went to counseling, individual and marriage. He didn't like our marriage counselor because the doctor was making it out to be all his fault.
In March 2005, I snapped. I drove to my mother's house and began ranting and raving. She recognized that I was gone and took me to the ER. I was admitted into an outpatient program the next day. I've read the journal posts from those first days in the institution and I'm amazed at how...sick I sound. The second journal post is all about my husband who was in a bad mood when I came home from my therapy. It turns out that he was hurt that no one had been paying attention to him during this "hard time".
After 3 days of outpatient therapy, I knew that if I went home then I would be dead the next day. I gave a note to one of the doctors and they would not let me leave. I stayed inpatient for a week until my medicine leveled out and I felt safe going home. The first thing my husband asked when I called him to tell him about staying was whether or not I was going to lose my job and had I called the insurance company. Again, I look at those journal posts and I'm flabbergasted that I lived like this for so long.
While in therapy, I hit rock bottom. I had a husband who was in love with another woman but wasn't willing to let me know what he thought of me. He would rather keep me dangling as some bizarre roommate. I was unable to get pregnant. I had no friends. I hated my job. I was terrified to step outside most days. I was lying on the floor of a co-ed mental institution on a mattress next to a nurse because I was on "Suicide Watch". I wasn't allowed to have shoelaces or caffeine. I wanted my dogs and my Mama.
God found me. I remembered one verse. "Be still and know that I am God."
I began to pray. Actually, I didn't even pray, I just talked to God like an old friend. Slowly, life flooded back into my heart and I realized how cold it had been for years. Every day I talked to God. Every day I felt myself thaw a little more. Every day I cried and those tears cleared my eyes. I needed God more than anything else.
I still took my medicine and I still take it now. I thank God for my medicine and no matter how good I feel I will not stop taking it. That medicine is a gift from Him to allow me to function in this world. I am grateful to have it.
I still think about my first husband. I hope that he has turned to God, too. I hope that he has joy in his life. I pray for him daily. He was more than a good friend. We spent 10 years together, dating and married. I truly hope he has peace and love in his life.
I know I do.
Monday, June 27, 2011
5 Silly Reasons Why I Love My Husband
We got silly one day and I suggested this challenge. It was fun to do and now I want to share it with others. These are five "silly" reasons why I love Ben Dyer. Silly does not mean stupid. It just means not totally lovey-dovey-serious-wedding-vow type of reason.
1. I love seeing Ben the day he trims his beard. He looks so much like the boy I knew in middle school. It makes me want to run and grab that San Antonio Spurs cap and put it backwards on his head. Then we can go make out behind an elementary school.
2. I love watching Ben with the kids. He has this dance that he does called the Daddy Dance that the kids love and beg for every day when he comes home. He sits and plays cars with Gideon. He doesn't just give cars to Gideon, he actually PLAYS CARS like another kid. He knows the right way to ease a baby into being tossed into the air and taught me the Daddy Tricks of the Trade. I still can't do it right and he's the only one who can make Milly grin like a maniac.
3. He is BRILLIANT. We can spend a wonderful afternoon with an Atlas open between us and him explaining how the world has changed over the years. (Yes, we're dorks.) It's started the most amazing conversations where I no longer feel like just a cook/maid/wiper of butts. We are just two adults talking about the ramifications of the War of the Roses.
4. One day we will settle once and for all just who knows more about the Simpsons. For now, he is teaching me more about Futurama and enjoying every minute of it. I love that we don't even have to quote Simpsons or Futurama anymore. We just give each other That Look and giggle because we know what the other one is thinking.
5. He is the funniest person on the planet. From witty remarks to stupid muffin jokes, the man just makes me laugh every single day. Seriously, make him tell you the muffin joke.
I love you, Ben.
1. I love seeing Ben the day he trims his beard. He looks so much like the boy I knew in middle school. It makes me want to run and grab that San Antonio Spurs cap and put it backwards on his head. Then we can go make out behind an elementary school.
2. I love watching Ben with the kids. He has this dance that he does called the Daddy Dance that the kids love and beg for every day when he comes home. He sits and plays cars with Gideon. He doesn't just give cars to Gideon, he actually PLAYS CARS like another kid. He knows the right way to ease a baby into being tossed into the air and taught me the Daddy Tricks of the Trade. I still can't do it right and he's the only one who can make Milly grin like a maniac.
3. He is BRILLIANT. We can spend a wonderful afternoon with an Atlas open between us and him explaining how the world has changed over the years. (Yes, we're dorks.) It's started the most amazing conversations where I no longer feel like just a cook/maid/wiper of butts. We are just two adults talking about the ramifications of the War of the Roses.
4. One day we will settle once and for all just who knows more about the Simpsons. For now, he is teaching me more about Futurama and enjoying every minute of it. I love that we don't even have to quote Simpsons or Futurama anymore. We just give each other That Look and giggle because we know what the other one is thinking.
5. He is the funniest person on the planet. From witty remarks to stupid muffin jokes, the man just makes me laugh every single day. Seriously, make him tell you the muffin joke.
I love you, Ben.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Potty Training Tears
Potty Training Boot Camp Day Two was a lot like Day One. There were a gazillion tries on the potty with no results. There was a giant diaper after her nap. There was a 45 minute tantrum on the potty when I refused to put a diaper on her and she just could not hold it any longer. There was an accident all across the floor when she was exhausted and angry and just done with the day. (On Day One, she had the same kind of accident but walked over her sister who was on a blanket on the floor. Poor Milly got caught in the crossfire.)
Today began Day Three. She started doing the Potty Dance around 10:00 and I took her into the bathroom. The tears, screams and tantrum started almost instantly. She sat on the potty and started holding it as much as she could. I held her hands and firmly told her that she had to go.
She cried.
I didn't budge.
She screamed.
I didn't budge.
She cried, screamed, tore at her hair, tried to lunge off of the potty and generally became hysterical.
I didn't budge.
She peed in the potty and then threw up all over me.
I cleaned us up and declared Potty Training over.
Sophie is aware of how to use the potty. Sophie will decide when she is ready to use the potty. Not me, not her father, not her Grandma, not anyone on this Earth will be able to force her to go before she is ready to make that choice. She will wear training diapers and I will take her to the potty every morning, night and at least every 2 hours. If something happens, great. If nothing happens, no big deal. If it keeps her out of certain classes then we'll find something else for her to do.
If people think that this is my fault, FINE.
If people think that my child is retarded or autistic, FINE.
KEEP IT TO YOURSELF.
I've already beaten myself to Hell and back over this. I know Sophie better than anyone else on this planet. I know that God has Sophie curled into His palm. She is healthy and wonderful. Sophie will be fine.
Today began Day Three. She started doing the Potty Dance around 10:00 and I took her into the bathroom. The tears, screams and tantrum started almost instantly. She sat on the potty and started holding it as much as she could. I held her hands and firmly told her that she had to go.
She cried.
I didn't budge.
She screamed.
I didn't budge.
She cried, screamed, tore at her hair, tried to lunge off of the potty and generally became hysterical.
I didn't budge.
She peed in the potty and then threw up all over me.
I cleaned us up and declared Potty Training over.
Sophie is aware of how to use the potty. Sophie will decide when she is ready to use the potty. Not me, not her father, not her Grandma, not anyone on this Earth will be able to force her to go before she is ready to make that choice. She will wear training diapers and I will take her to the potty every morning, night and at least every 2 hours. If something happens, great. If nothing happens, no big deal. If it keeps her out of certain classes then we'll find something else for her to do.
If people think that this is my fault, FINE.
If people think that my child is retarded or autistic, FINE.
KEEP IT TO YOURSELF.
I've already beaten myself to Hell and back over this. I know Sophie better than anyone else on this planet. I know that God has Sophie curled into His palm. She is healthy and wonderful. Sophie will be fine.
Monday, June 20, 2011
Potty Training Boot Camp Day #1
6,435,675,546 empty tries in the potty all ending with a gleeful "Bye-bye potty!"
1 shiney heinie dancing around all day.
1 fake nap in a diaper ending with a VERY wet diaper.
A 30 minute tantrum at 5:00 begging Mama to put a diaper on her so she can tee-tee. Mama refuses.
2 successful tee-tees in the potty. Only the first is through tears and requires snuggling with Mama afterwards.
1 shiney heinie dancing around all day.
1 fake nap in a diaper ending with a VERY wet diaper.
A 30 minute tantrum at 5:00 begging Mama to put a diaper on her so she can tee-tee. Mama refuses.
2 successful tee-tees in the potty. Only the first is through tears and requires snuggling with Mama afterwards.
Monday, May 23, 2011
100 Random Things
OK, Sarah did it. Christina did it. I'm nothing if not a follower.
1. Cheese is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
2. I love to eat and to cook. I'm rather good at both.
3. I have three children. I lost a child 7 years ago. I still wonder about that child.
4. I feel called by God to work with junior high kids. My husband thinks I'm insane.
5. Giordano's in Chicago makes the best pizza in the world. So much so that I cannot eat any other pizza and be satisfied.
6. I don't feel 32.
7. Before the year is out, I will have pink streaks in my hair.
8. I love to read and completely lose myself in books. You have to put your hand on my shoulder or between my eyes and the book to take me out of my trance. Be warned; I'm going to jump a mile.
9. I want a pug named Winston and a Basset Hound named Murphy. Winston is going to be the crazy British royalty and Murphy is going to be the tired P.I. Winston will wear a tutu and Murphy will wear a trench coat.
10. I tried to nurse and then pump for each of my children. Each of them rejected my breastmilk in favor of soy, sensitive and rice-starch thickened formula respectively. I'm trying not to be offended.
11. I routinely call my kids Butt Monkeys. The oldest has repeated it at least twice.
12. Each child has their own lullabye. They love it when I sing to them and have since they were born.
13. Ben and I were boyfriend-girlfriend in middle school. Then we didn't see each other for 14 years. Then we decided to get married after talking online for 2 weeks.
14. I've lived in Texas almost all of my life except for a brief stint in Oklahoma and 3 years in Germany. (Army brat.)
15. My sister, brother and I have psychotically Irish names. (I'm Kelly Shannon.) My sister is the only one with green eyes.
16. During my first marriage, I had a doctor tell me that I would probably not conceive on my own. It took me 9 months to get pregnant and then I lost the baby. Another 9 months went by with no pregnancy.
17. During my marriage with Ben, he's always knocked me up within a month.
18. I hate pregnancy. I've had 2 preemies, a massive bout of Post Partum Depression after Gideon and it took 25 weeks of progesterone shots/2 weeks of terbutaline pills/3 false alarms just to get Milly to 37 weeks.
19. It's still totally worth it and I'm considering a fourth.
20. I have a horrific temper that I struggle against daily.
21. When snacking, I go for savory / salty rather than sweet. Unless I'm pregnant and then all Snickers within 200 miles are in danger.
22. I will eat chili and cheese on almost anything. Also, BBQ sauce.
23. I just finished watching Red. Holy Carp on Monkey Britches, that is one AWESOME MOVIE.
24. My favorite movie of all time is still Steel Magnolias.
25. I don't like girly things. I'll usually pick the action movie over the romantic comedy, the fantasy novel about dragons over the latest Danielle Steele and I don't wear makeup.
26. I love shoes. Like, obsession levels.
27. I could live out the rest of my life in a pair of comfortable jeans, a black tee and a pair of Converse low tops.
28. I can follow recipes but I usually don't. I'll tweak, substitute and eyeball instead of measure.
29. My husband has a really long ponytail. When he wears his hair down I swoon.
30. My favorite soda is Mr Pibb but I'll usually drink sweet tea or Dr Pepper in restaurants. No one EVER has Pibb.
31. I'm picky about ratios in food. As in a burger has to have a certain ratio of meat to bun to condiment to topping ratio. Otherwise, it's ruined. Same goes for sandwiches and salads.
32. I'm slightly OCD. I like everything to be on even numbers. Odd numbers drive me bonkers.
33. I've struggled with depression and anxiety for years. I've been on medication for years. I'm just now starting to let go of the guilt for needing this medication.
34. It scares me to death to think of my children having to deal with depression or anxiety.
35. I am a control freak. It's hard to admit that.
36. I call myself Cranky Toddler online because that is how I act with God. I have to remind myself often to act my spiritual age.
37. I accepted Christ into my heart personally at age 10.
38. Around age 21 I turned my back on God and told Him I could go it alone. Those were some dark years.
39. I finally turned back to God on the floor of a mental institution while on suicide watch.
40. During Sunday School I once won an award for memorizing so many Bible verses.
41. On the floor of the mental institution I could only remember one. "Be still and know that I am God."
42. That verse is now my Life Verse.
43. I am not ashamed of my mistakes or my past. I want others to see that they don't have to go through the Dark alone.
44. It still gets Dark sometimes. God is still there.
45. I don't play video games. I'm not coordinated enough and I get too annoyed.
46. I love board games, word games and card games.
47. I cannot WAIT to read "real" books to my kids. Little House, Harry Potter, Narnia, there are so many worlds I can't wait to introduce!
48. The smell of vinegar makes me gag.
49. I love pickles and can finish a jar in one sitting.
50. I want to be crafty. I'm just so impatient!
51. After my children are in school, I want to go back to school.
52. I have no idea what I'm going to do. Nursing? Teaching? Accounting?
53. I miss being in a choir.
54. My oldest daughter has a speech delay. I blame myself.
55. I blame myself for a lot of things.
56. After a very long time, I have a group of girls that I call my friends. I consider myself very blessed to have them in my life.
57. I love Brazilian Steakhouses.
58. I would go get a massage every week if I could justify the time and money.
59. I hate spending money on myself.
60. I'm ready to buy a house with my husband so I can start fiddling with everything.
61. I have a lot of plans for Our House.
62. Some of them are crafty plans. This could get interesting.
63. Someday there is going to be a cooking section on this blog with recipes and pictures.
64. I might have to trade some favors with my husband to make that happen.
65. I'm talking about enchiladas. Get your mind out of the gutter.
66. A lot of people keep telling me that I'm funny. Honestly, I don't see it.
67. My sister has always been the pretty one in the family. She's also funny, smart and daring. It's interesting to try to "live up to" your little sister.
68. My brother is insanely creative and sensitive. He just looks like a tough guy. I adore him.
67. God listens to my mother and my grandmother's prayers. They are amazing women.
68. I have the greatest mother-in-law in the entire universe. I'm not saying that to suck up. IT'S TRUE.
69. I want dozens of cute aprons and lots of vintage Pyrex in my kitchen.
70. When we buy Our House, I will make a garden in back. It's going to be colorful and interesting.
71. There will be at least 2 gnomes and a flamingo.
72. My favorite colors are green and yellow.
73. I love holidays, birthdays and just about any other kind of celebration. I want to entertain!
74. I love to cook for others.
75. I would love to cook as a ministry. I just don't know how or where.
76. I would love to start a ministry for NICU parents.
77. House chores are actually not that bad. It's just harder to do them with a preschooler and a toddler around my ankles.
78. Eventually I'll get around to making my own cleaning products.
79. I've made my own baby food for all of my kids.
80. I'm still trying to make the switch to cloth diapering.
81. I'm not a crunchy-granola-hippie Mom. I'm just cheap.
82. I hate driving. I wish I could hire a driver to do it for me.
83. I love grocery shopping.
84. Ben has me switched over to all Apple products. I honestly don't know if I could switch back to a PC.
85. I'm still trying to find a hairstyle that's easy to fix that also looks good on me without being too Mom-ish. Anyone have a stylist to suggest?
86. I will keep telling people I'm 25 until they stop believing it.
87. I grew up never watching sports. I married a sports nut. I now pay a little attention to the Rangers, NASCAR and the Cowboys.
88. If you ask, I'll tell you what worked for my kids but I'll probably tell you to trust your instincts first.
89. I'm still afraid of the dark.
90. I buy birthday cards and almost always forget to mail them.
91. I can't wait to travel with my family.
92. Especially a tour of Israel with my father-in-law. The man is brilliant.
93. I love Star Trek but I don't like the original series. The new movies are awesome. Next Generation are my favorite.
94. I'm addicted to sci-fi shows. Eureka, Warehouse 13, Firefly, Stargate SG-1...I love them all! I can't wait for Alphas!
95. I want to take a train trip with Ben.
96. I shared a room with my sister for years. I have every intention of making my daughters share a room.
97. I love a bed with a gazillion pillows, a featherbed topper and curtains. I want a haven. I want a sanctuary.
98. I want a master bathroom all to myself that I can turn into a home spa. No husband and kids allowed.
99. I love bath products. Sugar scrubs, bubble baths, aromatherapy candles, it's all so wonderful!
100. This was a lot harder than I thought it would be.
1. Cheese is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
2. I love to eat and to cook. I'm rather good at both.
3. I have three children. I lost a child 7 years ago. I still wonder about that child.
4. I feel called by God to work with junior high kids. My husband thinks I'm insane.
5. Giordano's in Chicago makes the best pizza in the world. So much so that I cannot eat any other pizza and be satisfied.
6. I don't feel 32.
7. Before the year is out, I will have pink streaks in my hair.
8. I love to read and completely lose myself in books. You have to put your hand on my shoulder or between my eyes and the book to take me out of my trance. Be warned; I'm going to jump a mile.
9. I want a pug named Winston and a Basset Hound named Murphy. Winston is going to be the crazy British royalty and Murphy is going to be the tired P.I. Winston will wear a tutu and Murphy will wear a trench coat.
10. I tried to nurse and then pump for each of my children. Each of them rejected my breastmilk in favor of soy, sensitive and rice-starch thickened formula respectively. I'm trying not to be offended.
11. I routinely call my kids Butt Monkeys. The oldest has repeated it at least twice.
12. Each child has their own lullabye. They love it when I sing to them and have since they were born.
13. Ben and I were boyfriend-girlfriend in middle school. Then we didn't see each other for 14 years. Then we decided to get married after talking online for 2 weeks.
14. I've lived in Texas almost all of my life except for a brief stint in Oklahoma and 3 years in Germany. (Army brat.)
15. My sister, brother and I have psychotically Irish names. (I'm Kelly Shannon.) My sister is the only one with green eyes.
16. During my first marriage, I had a doctor tell me that I would probably not conceive on my own. It took me 9 months to get pregnant and then I lost the baby. Another 9 months went by with no pregnancy.
17. During my marriage with Ben, he's always knocked me up within a month.
18. I hate pregnancy. I've had 2 preemies, a massive bout of Post Partum Depression after Gideon and it took 25 weeks of progesterone shots/2 weeks of terbutaline pills/3 false alarms just to get Milly to 37 weeks.
19. It's still totally worth it and I'm considering a fourth.
20. I have a horrific temper that I struggle against daily.
21. When snacking, I go for savory / salty rather than sweet. Unless I'm pregnant and then all Snickers within 200 miles are in danger.
22. I will eat chili and cheese on almost anything. Also, BBQ sauce.
23. I just finished watching Red. Holy Carp on Monkey Britches, that is one AWESOME MOVIE.
24. My favorite movie of all time is still Steel Magnolias.
25. I don't like girly things. I'll usually pick the action movie over the romantic comedy, the fantasy novel about dragons over the latest Danielle Steele and I don't wear makeup.
26. I love shoes. Like, obsession levels.
27. I could live out the rest of my life in a pair of comfortable jeans, a black tee and a pair of Converse low tops.
28. I can follow recipes but I usually don't. I'll tweak, substitute and eyeball instead of measure.
29. My husband has a really long ponytail. When he wears his hair down I swoon.
30. My favorite soda is Mr Pibb but I'll usually drink sweet tea or Dr Pepper in restaurants. No one EVER has Pibb.
31. I'm picky about ratios in food. As in a burger has to have a certain ratio of meat to bun to condiment to topping ratio. Otherwise, it's ruined. Same goes for sandwiches and salads.
32. I'm slightly OCD. I like everything to be on even numbers. Odd numbers drive me bonkers.
33. I've struggled with depression and anxiety for years. I've been on medication for years. I'm just now starting to let go of the guilt for needing this medication.
34. It scares me to death to think of my children having to deal with depression or anxiety.
35. I am a control freak. It's hard to admit that.
36. I call myself Cranky Toddler online because that is how I act with God. I have to remind myself often to act my spiritual age.
37. I accepted Christ into my heart personally at age 10.
38. Around age 21 I turned my back on God and told Him I could go it alone. Those were some dark years.
39. I finally turned back to God on the floor of a mental institution while on suicide watch.
40. During Sunday School I once won an award for memorizing so many Bible verses.
41. On the floor of the mental institution I could only remember one. "Be still and know that I am God."
42. That verse is now my Life Verse.
43. I am not ashamed of my mistakes or my past. I want others to see that they don't have to go through the Dark alone.
44. It still gets Dark sometimes. God is still there.
45. I don't play video games. I'm not coordinated enough and I get too annoyed.
46. I love board games, word games and card games.
47. I cannot WAIT to read "real" books to my kids. Little House, Harry Potter, Narnia, there are so many worlds I can't wait to introduce!
48. The smell of vinegar makes me gag.
49. I love pickles and can finish a jar in one sitting.
50. I want to be crafty. I'm just so impatient!
51. After my children are in school, I want to go back to school.
52. I have no idea what I'm going to do. Nursing? Teaching? Accounting?
53. I miss being in a choir.
54. My oldest daughter has a speech delay. I blame myself.
55. I blame myself for a lot of things.
56. After a very long time, I have a group of girls that I call my friends. I consider myself very blessed to have them in my life.
57. I love Brazilian Steakhouses.
58. I would go get a massage every week if I could justify the time and money.
59. I hate spending money on myself.
60. I'm ready to buy a house with my husband so I can start fiddling with everything.
61. I have a lot of plans for Our House.
62. Some of them are crafty plans. This could get interesting.
63. Someday there is going to be a cooking section on this blog with recipes and pictures.
64. I might have to trade some favors with my husband to make that happen.
65. I'm talking about enchiladas. Get your mind out of the gutter.
66. A lot of people keep telling me that I'm funny. Honestly, I don't see it.
67. My sister has always been the pretty one in the family. She's also funny, smart and daring. It's interesting to try to "live up to" your little sister.
68. My brother is insanely creative and sensitive. He just looks like a tough guy. I adore him.
67. God listens to my mother and my grandmother's prayers. They are amazing women.
68. I have the greatest mother-in-law in the entire universe. I'm not saying that to suck up. IT'S TRUE.
69. I want dozens of cute aprons and lots of vintage Pyrex in my kitchen.
70. When we buy Our House, I will make a garden in back. It's going to be colorful and interesting.
71. There will be at least 2 gnomes and a flamingo.
72. My favorite colors are green and yellow.
73. I love holidays, birthdays and just about any other kind of celebration. I want to entertain!
74. I love to cook for others.
75. I would love to cook as a ministry. I just don't know how or where.
76. I would love to start a ministry for NICU parents.
77. House chores are actually not that bad. It's just harder to do them with a preschooler and a toddler around my ankles.
78. Eventually I'll get around to making my own cleaning products.
79. I've made my own baby food for all of my kids.
80. I'm still trying to make the switch to cloth diapering.
81. I'm not a crunchy-granola-hippie Mom. I'm just cheap.
82. I hate driving. I wish I could hire a driver to do it for me.
83. I love grocery shopping.
84. Ben has me switched over to all Apple products. I honestly don't know if I could switch back to a PC.
85. I'm still trying to find a hairstyle that's easy to fix that also looks good on me without being too Mom-ish. Anyone have a stylist to suggest?
86. I will keep telling people I'm 25 until they stop believing it.
87. I grew up never watching sports. I married a sports nut. I now pay a little attention to the Rangers, NASCAR and the Cowboys.
88. If you ask, I'll tell you what worked for my kids but I'll probably tell you to trust your instincts first.
89. I'm still afraid of the dark.
90. I buy birthday cards and almost always forget to mail them.
91. I can't wait to travel with my family.
92. Especially a tour of Israel with my father-in-law. The man is brilliant.
93. I love Star Trek but I don't like the original series. The new movies are awesome. Next Generation are my favorite.
94. I'm addicted to sci-fi shows. Eureka, Warehouse 13, Firefly, Stargate SG-1...I love them all! I can't wait for Alphas!
95. I want to take a train trip with Ben.
96. I shared a room with my sister for years. I have every intention of making my daughters share a room.
97. I love a bed with a gazillion pillows, a featherbed topper and curtains. I want a haven. I want a sanctuary.
98. I want a master bathroom all to myself that I can turn into a home spa. No husband and kids allowed.
99. I love bath products. Sugar scrubs, bubble baths, aromatherapy candles, it's all so wonderful!
100. This was a lot harder than I thought it would be.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Unconditionally
I really should be in bed.
I'm still sick. I'm on better meds now but I'm still recovering. All of the doctors tell you to push fluids and get as much rest as possible. That would be easy if I didn't have three young children.
Tomorrow I have to get up early, pack three different bags, take Ben to work, take Sophie to school, take Milly to my sister's and then try to get Gideon into the pediatrician.
Instead of going to sleep, I'm up thinking angry thoughts. Tired, weepy, frustrated, overwhelmed thoughts.
I will never be able to live up to everyone's expectations. I'm always going to disappoint someone. I have to be OK with that. I have to know that there is only One that will ever love me no matter what. I can never be too stupid, too needy, too wrong for God.
2 Corinthians 12:9-10
But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
Please, God, let me believe this.
I'm still sick. I'm on better meds now but I'm still recovering. All of the doctors tell you to push fluids and get as much rest as possible. That would be easy if I didn't have three young children.
Tomorrow I have to get up early, pack three different bags, take Ben to work, take Sophie to school, take Milly to my sister's and then try to get Gideon into the pediatrician.
Instead of going to sleep, I'm up thinking angry thoughts. Tired, weepy, frustrated, overwhelmed thoughts.
I will never be able to live up to everyone's expectations. I'm always going to disappoint someone. I have to be OK with that. I have to know that there is only One that will ever love me no matter what. I can never be too stupid, too needy, too wrong for God.
2 Corinthians 12:9-10
But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
Please, God, let me believe this.
Monday, May 9, 2011
Plague
It began with a sniffle.
I think it was Gideon. He had a runny nose two weeks ago. He was also drooling and had random low grade fevers. I brushed it off as teething and dosed him with ibuprofen whenever he needed it. Then he started coughing and Sophie started sniffing. Gideon got through it first and Sophie followed quickly. They are both back to normal. Milly and I got sick around the same time last week. I took her to the pediatrician last Wednesday and found out that she had her first ear infection. I went to the clinic and came out with a sinus infection diagnosis. Ben and I juggled wildly as we pushed fluids, made our kids sleep and generally tried to make them well. Milly is finishing her antibiotic and still has a shade of a cough but is feeling much better.
Then there's Mom.
This weekend was bad. On Saturday night, I spiked a fever and began coughing. HARD. It's that deep, nasty chest cough that makes people back away from you in public. Mother's Day was supposed to be spent at church with a Parent/Child Dedication where we would dedicate Milly alongside our friends. Instead, I stayed in bed until 1:00. I'm killing tree after tree with my tissue usage. Green tea with honey is AMAZING.
As evidenced by the births of my children, nothing leaves my body without a production. This cold/sinus infection/Martian Death Plague is no different. There will be a full orchestra. There will be Chinese acrobats. There will be daredevil bike riders jumping over flaming pools of sharks and monkeys with kazoos playing "How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria?" while a Spandex-clad choir sings along in Russian while making jazz hands.
I think my medicine is kicking in.
I think it was Gideon. He had a runny nose two weeks ago. He was also drooling and had random low grade fevers. I brushed it off as teething and dosed him with ibuprofen whenever he needed it. Then he started coughing and Sophie started sniffing. Gideon got through it first and Sophie followed quickly. They are both back to normal. Milly and I got sick around the same time last week. I took her to the pediatrician last Wednesday and found out that she had her first ear infection. I went to the clinic and came out with a sinus infection diagnosis. Ben and I juggled wildly as we pushed fluids, made our kids sleep and generally tried to make them well. Milly is finishing her antibiotic and still has a shade of a cough but is feeling much better.
Then there's Mom.
This weekend was bad. On Saturday night, I spiked a fever and began coughing. HARD. It's that deep, nasty chest cough that makes people back away from you in public. Mother's Day was supposed to be spent at church with a Parent/Child Dedication where we would dedicate Milly alongside our friends. Instead, I stayed in bed until 1:00. I'm killing tree after tree with my tissue usage. Green tea with honey is AMAZING.
As evidenced by the births of my children, nothing leaves my body without a production. This cold/sinus infection/Martian Death Plague is no different. There will be a full orchestra. There will be Chinese acrobats. There will be daredevil bike riders jumping over flaming pools of sharks and monkeys with kazoos playing "How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria?" while a Spandex-clad choir sings along in Russian while making jazz hands.
I think my medicine is kicking in.
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