You're Doing it Wrong

Sophie's tantrums are getting scary and I think I'm handling them wrong.

First I tried putting her in her empty crib for Time Out. Once the screams died down, I would go in there and have a one sided conversation about why she shouldn't scream/throw things/hit people/cause destruction/etc. This didn't seem to do anything and she would usually get angry about 3 seconds after getting out of the crib. So then I started holding her and letting her fight against me. She screams and struggles until she gets it out of her system. When she starts to calm down, I ask her if she wants her baby. She gets her baby when she stops yelling. Once she stops yelling and has her baby in her arms, I talk to her about why she can't tell/hit/throw/destroy/etc. This seems to work a little better. She wouldn't be angry afterwards.

However, twice in the last few weeks there have been actual meltdowns where I had to restrain her from hitting me and herself. It really scares me. I've already been arguing with myself for over a year about autism. (Why doesn't she talk? Why doesn't she cuddle? Why does she get so FREAKING ANGRY?) Aren't meltdowns a part of all of that?

It doesn't help that everyone else's kids seem to be freaking geniuses. They're all speaking in complete sentences by 4 months old and giving guest lectures on quantum physics by 2 years old. They not only eat with silverware but have perfect manners. Some have eschewed potty training and just reabsorb everything back into their bodies. It's more green, you know. Meanwhile, my 3 year old is dangling from my arms, diaper soaking through her pants and onto my shirt, screaming nonsense at the top of her lungs because I handed her a blue crayon.

I know it's my fault. She was early. Maybe I did something. Maybe I'm doing something now. Maybe I'm not doing something now. Maybe I didn't get the First Kid Handbook that everyone else seems to have. I'm taking this beautiful little blue-grey eyed girl from God and just ruining her.

Maybe I should mention this to my psychiatrist. It might be time for better meds.

Motherhood

Being a SAHM is one of the most isolating jobs on the planet. Alright, there's probably some sonar technician in the Arctic that might argue with me.

Look, my life revolves around my family. I'm in charge of finances, doctor appointments, laundry, cleaning, cooking, etc. I make sure that every day my family has clean clothes and food on the table. I make sure that everyone is going to the doctor to get their shots. I'm the one who knows exactly when each of my children last pooped and I can usually estimate when the next load will drop. I research recipes, track down deals, go shopping, cook the food, serve the food and clean the dishes. I'm the one that notices when shoes get too small and I'm the one who replaces them.

Since we have just one car that my husband takes to work 6 days a week, I am left at home with three kids under three. Alone. 6 days a week for at least 5-12 hours a day. Since my husband works outside of the home, I am the one that gets up with the infant during the night. I have with every child. The first few weeks are excruciating and it's getting worse with each kid. I have no time to nap during the day so my sleep bank is always in the red. I have no way of taking them to a park to run off energy and I have no way of getting to play dates. We are hermetically sealed in this house for days at a time, emerging on Sundays for church.

My world has become very small. I don't know a lot about current events. I don't get to discuss the latest TV shows with coworkers. I don't get together with girlfriends to shop and lunch. Every other Tuesday I do attend a women's Bible study and I am grateful for this small break. However, I feel dull. Uninteresting. The biggest project I've been working on is a cookbook binder for all of my most used recipes. Yep. That's going to catch my husband's attention!

I dream of going back to school. I yearn for history classes and math tests. I want to take geography classes and Bible classes at the same time to better get an understanding of where big Biblical events took place. I want to come home and have my husband eagerly ask me what I did today and get to tell him about all of the fascinating things I'm learning.

Instead, I'll stay up with the infant tonight. I'll get the two older kids up tomorrow morning, make breakfast and turn on Play With Me Sesame. I'll ask the husband about how the projects at work are turning out. I'll do a few loads of laundry and make dinner. If I'm lucky then I'll shower.

I'll be a mom.